No, I haven't dropped off the face of the Earth...

I'm still here. As I said in my last post, (almost a month ago!) I am back at work. Even though it is only two days a week, they are two very busy days and then I have other class prep and grading that has to be done the other days or on the weekend. And taking care of the J-dog on all the other days is always fun, but still very tiring. It is hard to find a moment to breathe. We have the sitter on the two days that I go to work, but I really need to think about having her come a few more hours during the week so I can take a break or get some work done.

The J-dog is growing by leaps and bounds. He will be 10 months on Sunday and it seems like we have had so many milestones lately. He has been doing the army crawl for maybe three weeks now (I need to look that up), but last week I put him in "standard crawl position" and he just took off. So now he is crawling normally, though he sometimes reverts to the army crawl. He loves to chase the cats, and once even got one of their tails. We need to keep an eye on that, because I'm afraid one of these days they will lose their patience with him. And I just noticed last night that the poor little guy has bruises on his knees from the new crawling! We have an area rug and also his play mat in the living room, but the area between the two is hardwood, and he does travel all over. He also pulls himself up to kneel and plays with his musical table and stuff like that. But he is not yet pulling himself to stand.

About a month ago I tried to trim his bangs and made a horrible mess of it. They were totally too short and much shorter on one side that the other. So last weekend, after they had grown out a little, we finally took him to get his hair cut at a kiddy salon. It was awesome. He was so baffled about what was going on, and there was definitely a surplus of stimuli - his own TV playing Elmo, another TV past that also playing a different Elmo dvd, music, people talking at him, kids making noise, a woman blowing bubbles, and another woman wetting his hair and pawing at his head. He looked all around in awe for a few minutes, then started to get fussy. Fortunately the whole cut took all of 6 minutes and then it was done. He looks so incredibly handsome! It cost $30 and when I told one of my mom friends she was aghast at the price, but I think it was totally worth it. I mean, this woman had scissors within centimeters of my son's eyes, ears, neck - you want her to be good. And unlike in my case where I spend a pretty good amount of money to get my hair cut and expect my stylist to take her sweet time with me, you want this hair cut to be as fast as possible! Plus, we live in NYC - what do you expect to pay for a haircut?

He is just getting over his 4th cold in 2 months. This is getting a little absurd. This time he has had a cough with it, and sometimes when he coughs he starts crying. I think his throat hurts. Yesterday he had a tough day with the sitter, but I came home early and snuggled him and he fed for almost an hour and then seemed happier. He slept great last night and seems much better today.

He is doing a little better with the bottles with the sitter. He will drink about 5 ounces of breastmilk/formula combined once or twice a day. I feel like a baby his age should be drinking more than that at a time, but I'll take what I can get. His eating is great and he has started having little bite-sized pieces of things like melon, string cheese and Che.erios! So that is fun. The only thing is that he loves to pick them up and play with them, passing them from hand to hand, but then he waits for me to put other ones in his mouth. He doesn't quite have the concept that he can put food in his own mouth.

And he finally has a tooth coming in, which might have also contributed to yesterday's fussiness. There is just the tiniest sliver of one tooth poking out from the gum. He has been chewing on his fingers a lot and loves it when I rub his gums. But overall it doesn't seem to be bother him too much.

We are working on waving bye-bye. He did it for the very first time last night when the sitter was leaving. It was very cute. It was just a little floppy-wristed bounce of the hand, but it was definitely a bye-bye wave. And I think he is getting very close to saying "Dada" with meaning. That will most likely be his first word.

Oh, and this is the cutest thing of all. I taught him how to do an Eskimo kiss. So when I'm holding him facing me, I'll say "Eskimo! Eskimo kiss!" and he will lean into me and touch my nose with his nose, waiting for me to rub my nose back and forth. It is so sweet.

Ok, I lied. That was not the cutest thing. The cutest thing, or rather the most heartbreakingly sweet thing that he has ever done, was this past weekend when he crawled over to me, climbed up in my lap and pulled himself up to snuggle me. All by himself. Because he wanted to be with mama. I just melted. This is what it's all about.

Back to work!

Well, it's official. My maternity leave is over. The J-dog turned 9 months yesterday, so I guess that's a pretty good run. I am very thankful that I had all that time to spend with him, non-stop, and to really get into the whole mommy thing. But I have to say that it was actually good to get back to work. I wasn't too thrilled about it on my first day back, this past Tuesday, but by yesterday, I was much better. I am very lucky to only have to go to campus two days a week. Just like the schedule I had last spring when I was pregnant, it is two very intense days but then I am home the rest of the week. Of course I am still doing plenty of work from home, but to be here with him during that time is great. (I am going to have to start doing more work in the evenings and weekends though, but no big deal.)

We have a very fun, young and enthusiastic babysitter. I don't really want to call her a nanny because she doesn't really have that vibe. And she knows that this is a short-term gig, just through the semester. I'll be off for the summer and then we will re-evaluate our childcare needs. Plus we are hoping to move over the summer...where is still to be determined. Anyway, for now this is a good situation. She is silly and plays a lot with him, plus sings songs and brings various instruments to play for/with him.

In terms of eating/drinking, things are going pretty well. I was worried because he wouldn't take a bottle and doesn't do great with a sippy cup. We saw the doctor on Wednesday for his 9 month appointment, and she recommended that we keep trying the bottle at this point, because he wouldn't be able to get enough from a sippy cup for quite a while. She said we should just keep trying it. Sure enough, on Thursday morning he took a bottle of breastmilk. Hooray! The only problem is that I have not stockpiled very much at all (already used it this week in fact) and while I did decide to try to pump at work, so far I've only managed to get 2 ounces each day. So I'm doing it more to keep my supply up than to produce milk for him. Which means he's going to have to start drinking formula as well. I'm thinking of mixing the two together at first, and then gradually cutting down on the milk. Does anyone have experience with combining breastfeeding with occasional formula bottles?

Developmentally, things are a lot of fun. He is "crawling" (on his belly still), but can really get around. While he hasn't pulled himself up to standing, he loves to pull up on the couch arm if we are sitting there together. Today he learned how to open the kitchen drawer next to his highchair, and before I even noticed had pulled out the bottle opener. At least it wasn't anything sharp! So now I'm on alert. He has also been teething, and though nothing has popped out yet, the doctor said she could feel it right under the surface. When she pointed it out to me, I could actually see the outline. So really any day now I think. He hasn't been too fussy, though last week he did have a particularly bad day. I'm not used to him crying or fussing, so to have him keep breaking out in tears is new for me. But he is doing mostly better now.

Overall, he is a lot of fun. He laughs and claps his hands, and loves playing with all the new toys and books he got for Christmas. He is really enjoying our music class, which is now with the mixed ages group. Again, he claps along to the music and bounces.

A final note - as I was writing this entry, I heard him wake up and peeked on the video monitor - he was sitting up! I have only seen him get himself to sitting once before, on Wednesday morning. So this is a new thing. Every day brings something new and exciting. I just hope I don't miss anything too big on the days that I am away from him.

Happy New Year!

I hope that everyone had a wonderful holiday season and a very Happy New Year! The J-dog's first Christmas was full of travels, lovely sunny weather, lots of California family, oodles of gifts and lots of joy. As always, he was a perfect trooper on the trip, napping on cue and delighting in meeting lots of new people. And of course, of all the gifts we received this year, the J-dog tops them all.

The little guy is getting more and more mobile everyday. Sitting up is a breeze now, and though we still put a pillow behind him to catch him if he falls, he can now usually catch himself. The expression on his face when he realizes he is about to fall is priceless. And while he can't sit himself up yet, he can transition from sitting to lying on his belly. If he sees something that he wants on the other side of his play mat, he will roll from sitting onto his belly, and then either roll over several times like a log until he gets to it, or scoot himself forward like an army guy, pulling himself with his elbows and pushing with his knees. Still not exactly crawling though. But we are going to be buying him a play yard fence for the living room very soon. We did lower his crib mattress to the lowest setting because he is also just about ready to pull himself up to standing. He has been practicing in his little bathtub, where he grabs the front of the tub and pulls himself up, doing a naked imitation of Le.onardo DiC.aprio in T.itanic - "I am the king of the world!"

Although the little guy doesn't know it yet, I am getting ready to go back to work in just two weeks. I have very mixed feelings about it, but am lucky to have to teach only 2 days a week, so we can still have lots of good quality time on all those other days. We have hired a very nice and energetic young woman to take care of the J-dog on Tuesdays and Thursdays. Now we just need him to master using his sippy cup so he can have formula a couple times a day (he still refuses to drink from a bottle, so we are moving straight to the cup). Though he still hasn't had more than a few sips in this manner, I assume that when I'm not around and he has no other choice, he will drink it. If not, he is a big eater and will survive on his formula mixed with cereal, veggies, fruits, yogurt, tofu, turkey, chicken and the like. I know that he will not starve. Wish us luck! (And if anyone has any suggestions to help with this matter, let me know.)

As I said above, I have very mixed feelings about going back to work. It is so strange to think that I have not been in the classroom since mid-April. In a way I do miss it, and I miss having a reason to get dressed up and leave the house. I miss my colleagues and having grown-up time. But all of that pales in comparison to how much I am going to miss the J-dog on Tuesdays and Thursdays. I will have to leave right after he gets up in the morning, at 7:30, and won't be home until just before bedtime, at 6. I know so many people have to work that long every day of the week, and I am so lucky to have had the chance to stay with him as long as I have, as well as to have a two day schedule. Plus, it is only for a few months this time around, until early May, and then it will be summer again. We'll deal with the next semester when the time comes, but there is a good chance that some changes may be happening in our family. Good changes. But more on that later.

Once again, a wonderfully happy new year to you all. For those of you who are still struggling to reach your dreams, I hope this will be your year.

Mama bear

I have been meaning to write this post for over a week now, but oh well. So, week before last, we had to take the J-dog for a little surgical procedure. We have known that he would need it since birth and it wasn't a major surgery (let's just say it involved his little boy parts), but it did require general anesthesia, which was of course our main concern. We waited until he was past 6 months so he would be strong and healthy for the anesthesia, but we didn't want to wait too long because we didn't want him to have any memory of it. We had been worrying about it since he was born, but I am very glad to say that it went off seamlessly and it's all behind us now.

We had it done at Co.rnell, which is funny because we opted against going for IF treatments there. But it is an excellent facility and we were very pleased. The only hitch was that they were running late (the father of the patient before us left their films at home and had to go back for them - loser!), and we had to with-hold food and water for 5 hours before the procedure was scheduled. So the J-dog was getting pretty hungry, but he did great and even had an hour long nap in the waiting room.

So, the title of this post comes from the decision as to which one of us would be the one to carry the J-dog into the operating room and be with him as they put him to sleep. I was really, really scared to do it, because I had this awful fear that he wasn't going to wake up from the anesthesia (there was a horrible story on our local news a few months back of a baby who went for a similar procedure at some hospital in the Br.onx and that happened to him - they gave him too much). Plus, I just get all queasy and fainty in hospital settings (although I have admittedly come a long, long way thanks to all my IVFs and also my c-section). J was more than willing to go in with him, in fact he assumed that I just wouldn't be able to handle it. But I knew that when it came down to it, the J-dog was going to want his mama there, and I needed to be the one to do it. So I sucked it up and put on the smurf suit and hat and shoes. The little guy was decked out in a tiny little hospital gown with clowns on it (scary!). I carried him back toward the operating room, we said goodbye to his dad at the end of the hall, and then proceeded down the long hallway. As we got close, I felt like I was going to faint. But I had my baby in my arms and knew that wasn't an option. When we entered the bright room, he was looking all around, curious about everything. He did not cry at all, even with all the funny people in green outfits with masks on. I kept talking to him in a cheery voice and then put him down on the tiny inflated warming blanket (shaped like a little gingerbread man to hold him in place on the full-sized operating table). Then they put the mask over his face and he started crying and struggling. I kept talking in his ear and telling him how good he was, and he quickly fell asleep. They let me lift my mask to kiss him tummy and then the nurse took me out. I walked out the door and could see J at the very end of the hall, looking at me through the window of the double doors. As I walked down the long hall, I could see his face and tell that he was crying, so I started to cry too. I came through the doors and we hugged so hard. I assured him that everything was fine, the J-dog had done great. He told me how proud he was of me for going in there with him, and I said I had to do it - I'm the mama bear and he's my little cub. I would do anything to protect him.

The wait seemed interminable, but after almost 2 hours the doctor came to find us in the waiting room and said that everything had gone great. We went up to recovery where we were told we could go immediately, so we would be there when he woke up, and he was already awake! The anesthesiologist said he had just woken up and was doing great. He wanted to be picked up and to eat right away, so I fed him right next to the bed with his little IV attached. The recovery room reminded me of those I'd been in after all my retrievals and J and I talked about how he would come in to sit by my side and wait for me to wake up. It was a strange circuit of events.

We brought him home soon after, and as soon as we got in the door he vomited everything he had eaten all over himself and the car seat. I stripped him out of his clothes, wrapped him in a plushy blanket and sat down with him in the glider in his nursery. He was very pale and obviously nauseated, so I held him and let him nurse a little more, and rocked him until he fell asleep. He slept in my arms for about 30 mins, and the whole time I just marveled at him and realized how lucky we were to have him, and how many other parents have to take their babies for surgeries and procedures that are not at all as benign. I just can't imagine how hard that must be.

After that initial bout of nausea, he was just fine. Recovery was very fast, he didn't even really seem to need his pain meds and he returned to his usual cheerful self the very next morning. I am a truly lucky mama bear with the best little cub in the world.

Giving Thanks (Updated with photo)

I have been thinking about this post for a while. Of course it comes as no surprise that this particular Thanksgiving is pretty much the absolute best one in recent memory. I wrote a similar post last year at this time, but at that point we still didn't have an idea of how much we truly had to be thankful for. This year all we have to do is look into the deep, gorgeous, dark eyes of our little J-dog and truly understand the meaning of this holiday. Listen to his magical laughter, sniff his sweet head, stroke his incredibly soft skin. All day long I've been soaking him in, and thinking about the pain that past Thanksgivings have brought me. As low as those lows were, well, the high now is almost the polar opposite. But it is bittersweet too. I still remember that pain and it brings tears to my eyes. And I think of all the people out there who are still struggling and wish I could just reach in that pit and pull them out. So today I am beyond thankful for our beautiful, sweet boy and our - finally- family.

We had a very low-key day, just the three of us. This morning we went out to Central Park, just catching a glimpse of the parade balloons down the road in the far distance as we crossed into the park. It was an absolutely gorgeous autumn day here in NYC. Perfect. We went to the playground for the first time all together and put the J-dog in the swings. We took a million pictures of him. He went down the slide for the first time with his dad. And we took more pictures in front of a brilliantly yellow ginko tree. A happy little family. And then we came home and did some prep for dinner. I made a turkey, but had ordered all the side dishes from Fre.sh Dir.ect. For those who aren't from NYC, this service is my savior. They deliver all kinds of groceries, including fresh meals. I could have wimped out completely and gotten a turkey, but it was fun to at least make that. Our kitchen is super-tiny, so this was a great way to go. So we had dinner all together for the very first time. Usually the J-dog has his solid food meal around 5 or 5:30, so we just joined him. He had his own version of our meal - ground turkey, green beans, sweet potatoes and yellow squash. I actually can't even believe how much he ate! Just like us, he filled his belly. It was so nice to sit around the table as a family. A real family.

To everyone out there still reading this blog, I wish you all a very Happy Thanksgiving. I am especially thankful once again for the support you have giving me throughout this journey.

Rolling right along

Every day is an adventure with the J-dog, who seems to be growing before our very eyes. In the past week, he has finally perfected the art of rolling from his tummy to his back. For a while there he would roll over to his tummy in the middle of the night, and get stuck. He was apparently not happy to be there, and would cry until we went to roll him back over. On our pediatrician's recommendation, we stopped going to turn him over, which resulted in a bit of crying at first, but then he not only learned to roll back over, but he also realized that he likes sleeping on his tummy too. So peace has returned to the household. Now we put him down on his tummy on his blanket during the day to practice and he promptly rolls right over. He also enjoys his tummy-time a lot more than he did in the past. He is starting to scoot around a bit on his blanket when he is on his tummy, and we think he is starting to work on the motions for crawling.

He loves to be upright, but still can't sit up on his own. We got a great new bouncer activity seat that lets him be upright and in charge of turning himself all around, where he can reach all kinds of fun toys. He seems to be becoming much more independent in his playing, amusing himself for quite a while on his own. But then he realizes he's by himself and cries out, reaching up in the air to be picked up when I arrive, which melts my heart!

Although we do not actually have a Halloween costume for him, we have several cute outfits which will be worn throughout the day. And our block association has a big party on our street for Halloween, closing off the street to traffic. Everyone goes down to their stoops to give out candy, and kids come from all over to trick or treat on our street. We saw a bit of it last year, and are looking forward to going downstairs on Monday evening to see all the kids parade by. The J-dog will be dressed up in a skeleton outfit and will help us give out candy for as long as he can stay awake. Next year will probably be a little more exciting for him, and we will definitely get a costume then.

Happy Halloween to everyone!

Eating

We had the J-dog's six month appointment last week, and were a bit surprised to learn that he has not been gaining enough weight since his last appointment at four months. He only gained 7 ozs in two months! He went from being in the 50th percentile to just around the 5th. Our doctor was wonderfully calm about it and asked me how often I breast feed him every day. I wasn't exactly sure, but said around five, I guess. And how many supplemental meals of baby food? Usually 2. I told her how much he loved eating his new foods, and how he would cry when I was done feeding him. I was so sure that I was feeding him plenty, because it seemed like he was eating a ton. But apparently the crying wasn't just because it was so yummy, but because he was still HUNGRY! How stupid of me.

Also, at our last visit I told her how he was starting to get distracted while feeding, and would tug on me and look all around. She said it was ok for me to cut him off if he started doing that, but in retrospect that was probably a mistake. I was also in the habit of just giving him one breast at each feeding, so he would fully drain it. I guess all of these things combined to contribute to his low weight gain. So the doctor told me to just up his extra meals to 3 a day, and let him eat as much as he wants at each one.

While I have been doing 3 meals on some days, it is often hard to fit in that many, what with the breastfeeding and naps as well. But, I think I am on a much better rhythm overall. First of all, we start the day in bed in the morning with a very leisurely feed on BOTH sides. This is actually really nice, because by the end of the second side, he will sometimes fall back asleep and we will snooze together. I love that! Then we get up and play for just a little in his new activity bouncy seat, before having breakfast. He will have a nice bowl of oatmeal, with some fruit (bananas, or pears or prunes) or maybe some sweet potato or butternut squash (for some reason I have a hard time thinking of giving him peas or zucchini for breakfast...). I let him eat as much as he wants. He is much more relaxed about it now, and not frantic, because he has had a good feeding beforehand. Also, we got a real high chair, which helps a lot too. Before I was feeding him in his Bum.bo chair on the kitchen counter, which caused him to lurch forward into the food a lot.

Next he goes down for his morning nap, and indeed it seems to help him sleep longer too! This morning he had an hour and 15 min nap, whereas they used to never last more than 45 mins. So I guess that having a full belly helps him sleep longer.

The rest of the day is a little less structured - either a music or yoga class at mid-day, or just hanging out until the next nap and then going out after for a walk or shopping. Sometimes I'll take him out for a walk after his first nap, and then he'll fall asleep for his second nap in the stroller and I'll do some fun shopping for me. I'm continuing to make sure that he starts on the breast that he finished on at the last feeding, and then switch to the other. I know this is what many people consider normal, but I had always felt that he seemed satisfied and done after finishing just one. I'm worried that maybe my supply has diminished because of this, so hopefully it will increase as I continue these new habits.

In the late afternoon he will have another meal, this time with both a green veggie and an orange one, and then a fruit too. Sometimes he takes a third nap, but sometimes he doesn't. Then it's bath time, another feed and bed!

So, I'm hoping that by implementing these new feeding habits, we will get him back on track and gaining weight like a champ. (He is 27 inches long, and weighs 14 lbs 10 ozs.)

I know I also promised an assessment of my new Baby Bre.zza baby food maker. I will just say that it is incredibly easy to use, easy to clean and small enough to store on my tiny kitchen counter. It will automatically puree after it is done steaming, but you can also set it to do just one or the other separately, which is handy. So far I have made peas, zucchini, green beans, butternut squash, sweet potato (these I baked in the oven and then pureed in the Bre.zza), apples and pears. He likes pretty much everything, though I would say maybe he isn't super-fond of the zucchini yet. Today he had 1/2 of an avocado mashed up, and he loved that! It was only the second time he has had it - the first time was at the very beginning and I didn't give him too much. And of course he loves bananas too.

I'm super tired right now, so this post is a bit disjointed, but I didn't want to put off writing it any longer. I have been so bad about blogging. But on the plus side, I've been having fun hanging out with the J-dog, which doesn't leave me a lot of time for the computer.