Thanks for the warm welcome

It's so nice to see so many friends here already; I'm so lucky to have you. And thanks also for the compliments on the blog and my writing. I'm starting to get excited about this blogging thing, and I spent a little bit of my day thinking about what I should write next. But mostly I thought about who I would tell about this blog and what the purpose of it would be. As soon as I posted yesterday, my husband came home and I proudly told him what I had done. He had offered to set up a blog for me in the past, but I wasn't ready. And I wanted to do it all by myself. But I also told him that I hadn't decided yet if I wanted him to read it, so I wasn't going to tell him what it was. I made him promise that he wouldn't go looking for it, and if he did happen to discover what it was, that he would tell me. He agreed, but also said that he wanted it to be something for me and that he didn't really feel a need to read it, especially if I was going to gripe about him. As long as I keep it anonymous of course. Which it is. Some of you already know that my name is not really Cassie. It's just a name I picked based on my initials. But I like it because it is very anonymous, unlike my actual name which is truly unique.

So anyway, I am rambling already. I don't know if I want many IRL friends to know about this blog. I want to feel free to rant and rave to my heart's content without worrying about offending anyone. But I did just invite a dear childhood friend to read it, since he has been so supportive of me and is also struggling to have a child through adoption with his partner. So I hope he will stop by, and even comment from time to time.

Like I said yesterday, I need this blog to be therapeutic, and I think it is starting to help already. But I need a lot of therapy I guess, because I went through most of my day today feeling numb. I am still in shock that we failed again. I don't know how much more of this failure I can take. But then again, I didn't think I would be able to take giving myself shots and now I'm a complete pro at it. I, who am so squeamish that I literally almost fainted the first time I had to give my diabetic cat a shot 6 years ago. I, who almost fainted when I got my ears pierced and when I got fitted for contact lenses at age 16. I get very vasovagal and have struggled to overcome that. IVF has definitely helped. I am much stronger than I ever knew. My therapist said the other day that I am intrepid. I hope that's what it is, and not just stupidity, or ignorance, or denial.

I said last time that I wasn't ready to write about things with my husband, whom I will call J. for the purposes of this blog. And I still am not quite sure that I am. Let's just say that it is very difficult, and I feel like I am such a disappointment to him. Before you jump in and say, "Oh Cassie, I'm sure he doesn't feel that way!", let me just stop you there and say, "Yes he does, he has told me so." He knows that it is not right for him to feel that way, but he is very honest with his feelings. And he is having serious doubts about the whole "for better or for worse" thing. Of course, this breaks my heart. And makes me angry. I feel totally helpless. I just want to be able to give him the one thing he wants more than anything - a child. So that's where we are. We haven't talked about our next step yet, though he had previously agreed that we could try one more cycle with my own eggs this summer. I spoke with my Dr. Famous yesterday and he gave me the go-ahead to cycle again as soon as I want to. So we'll see. Wait and see. That's the story of my life for the past two years.