Here I am in Denver once again

It's very strange to be back in Denver. This is our 6th trip out here in less than a year. Last spring after what would have been our 4th local cycle was canceled due to a cyst, we made our appointment for our intensive "one day workup" out at CCRM. We came out in early June, around our third anniversary. That first trip we stayed in downtown Denver and had fun exploring LoDo. Then we came back out in July for our first cycle. From that trip on, we have stayed in various suites hotels south of Denver near where CCRM is located. Each cycling trip is about 8 days long. From that first cycle, we had an amazing 20 eggs retrieved and produced 4 blasts which we sent for microarray testing. One was normal, but not the best quality - it was rated a 4CB. We transferred it anyway, in October. BFN. Due to my academic teaching schedule, we waited until December/January to cycle again. I started my meds at home right after Christmas and by early January we were out in Denver again for retrieval. That cycle we had fewer eggs retrieved - only 11, which was disappointing because there had been considerably more follicles visible on the ultrasound. I don't know what happened. And we only made one blast, so we were very disappointed. The normal rate for blasts at my age is about 1 in 4 (which we exemplified in our first retrieval), so I was pretty much without hope for that one embryo. It turned out to be normal and of slightly better quality, a 4BB. So we transferred that in April. My hopes were much higher, as the embryo was 100% thawed and re-expanding, whereas in our last transfer the embryo was only 75% thawed. But once again, we were struck with a BFN. You all know the emotional devastation that followed - that's where this blog began.

So now here we are again. Actually right now it's just me. J will be joining me on Monday so I'm just hanging out by myself until then. I've been here since Thursday. So far I've got about 11 good sized follicles growing, plus 3 more small ones that may or may not be in the running. I was stimulating really fast at the beginning so they cut my doses down after my appointment at home on Wednesday, but yesterday's check showed that things had slowed down a bit too much so they put me back up to half way between where I had been before. I didn't have to go in today, so it's nice to have a day without having blood drawn or a visit with the "dildo-cam". I'm hoping that things will continue to grow, but hopefully not too fast. I don't want to have to have the trigger shot on Sunday night, because J isn't getting here until Monday. (Based on both of my previous cycles here, we were predicting that I would have my trigger shot on Monday or Tuesday for a Wednesday or Thursday retrieval.) I do all my own subcutaneous injections, which is what all the stim medications are, but I cannot do the IM shots in my hip. Of course, I used to think I couldn't do the sub-q shots, and realized that it really isn't that bad, but I have to draw the line somewhere. First of all, you need 2 hands for the trigger shot and that is just logistically difficult. Secondly, that needle is BIG! I can't even look at it. Of course I've got plenty of padding back there, but still... Anyway, if I have to do it on Sunday I will call the private shot nurse. I had to do that last time too. She is very nice but it costs $110 just for her to come to my hotel and give me a shot, so I'd rather avoid that.

So like I said at the beginning, it is strange to be out in Denver again. I never imagined in the first place that I would come out to Denver to cycle with CCRM, and now I can't believe that this is my 6th trip. The timing is good for this retrieval, because we got it in slightly less than a year after our one day workup. If it had been a little later, I would have had to repeat a lot of the tests from that workup, which is both expensive and time-consuming. So I'm pretty happy with how the timing worked out. But I'm nervous, because this is supposed to be the last attempt with my own eggs. I say "supposed" because that is what my husband and I agreed on, but it is so hard to give up on that thought. I know that I would have a great chance of getting pregnant with donor eggs, and that is a fantastic option for so many people, but it is particularly hard for me. Just so you don't think I'm being overly selfish, I have to say that the reason it is so hard for me is that my mother died when I was very little. Although I have a wonderful step-mother who entered my life shortly after that, I have never had that genetic connection with the mother who raised me. I have always dreamed of being able to have that experience with my own child. So it is hard to give that up. But we will cross that bridge when we come to it.

I have rambled enough for today. I tend to put off these posts for too long and then have to write tons to get caught up. I'll try to write smaller posts a little more frequently. We'll see...