Monday, May 31, 2010

It's trigger time!

This cycle has gone by pretty quickly. I started off fast and they slowed me down a bit by lowering my dosages, but it is already time to trigger. I'm so glad that it wasn't last night, since J just got here today. So that is great timing - he can give me my trigger shot tonight at 10 pm and then tomorrow we don't have to do anything, just relax and wait for Wednesday. Our retrieval will be on Wednesday morning at 9. We have to get there at 8. I'm hoping that Dr. School.craft himself will be doing the retrieval - I'm not sure what the schedule is but I think Wednesday might be his day. Although for my first retrieval I had Dr. G, and he actually got a lot more eggs out of me than Dr. Sch did, so I'd take him again too.

I have about 8 follicles that are looking prime (one of them might be a little overprime...) and then at least 5 other small ones that may or may not mature enough by retrieval. CCRM is able to mature the eggs in vitro though, and do second day ICSI on them. We did this with one our first cycle, and it did fertilize but I don't think it made it very far in the embryo stage. I know of other people who have had success with that though, so we'll see. My E2 level (estrogen) is nice and high at 3557 today, which I guess is good. It is supposed to be a certain level per mature follicle - I can't remember the formula right now. But this is just about exactly where we were last time on trigger day, when we had 10 good sized follicles. They retrieved 11 eggs last time and 7 of them fertilized. I had more that were on the small sized last time, whereas the general size this time is a little bigger, so I'm hoping for an even better fertilization rate. Of course there is no point in worrying about it too much, because there is nothing I can do about it and I just won't know how many fertilize until the day after the retrieval. And the really important news is the Day 3 report. Last time I only had 3 that looked good on Day 3, and 4 that were only 4 cells, which is slow for Day 3. Of the three that looked "good", only one was an 8-cell, and that is the only one that made it to blast, and also ended up normal. So I'm really hoping for a good number of 8-cell embryos on Day 3.

So yes, we will be doing the comprehensive genetic testing on any embryos that make it to the blast stage. They will be biopsied on Day 5 or 6, then frozen by vitrification, and the biopsies sent off (to New Jersey!) for full testing. They will check every single chromosome to make sure they are normal and we will only transfer normal blasts. Last time we only had one to test, which might seem like a waste of money, but we just want to make absolutely sure that anything we transfer has the best possible chance. And we don't want to waste any time by transferring anything abnormal that won't stick around. Plus, I like the idea of doing a frozen transfer, which gives my body time to recover from all the stimulation and hormones. CCRM uses vitrification, which has a 99% success rate on thaw, so I am very comfortable with that.

I am feeling tired and fuzzy-headed from the high estrogen. Strangely, my throat also tends to get hoarse when my E2 gets this high. I mentioned that to the nurse on the phone today and she had never heard of that. But it has happened pretty much every time I've had a retrieval. Weird.

So J. got in today with no problems. We switched to a better room in our hotel when he got here, so now we are on the top floor and have a nice view of the mountains. He is having a little nap right now (I just had one too) and then we are going to go lounge by the pool a bit and then head out for sushi for dinner. Yum.

Saturday, May 29, 2010

Here I am in Denver once again

It's very strange to be back in Denver. This is our 6th trip out here in less than a year. Last spring after what would have been our 4th local cycle was canceled due to a cyst, we made our appointment for our intensive "one day workup" out at CCRM. We came out in early June, around our third anniversary. That first trip we stayed in downtown Denver and had fun exploring LoDo. Then we came back out in July for our first cycle. From that trip on, we have stayed in various suites hotels south of Denver near where CCRM is located. Each cycling trip is about 8 days long. From that first cycle, we had an amazing 20 eggs retrieved and produced 4 blasts which we sent for microarray testing. One was normal, but not the best quality - it was rated a 4CB. We transferred it anyway, in October. BFN. Due to my academic teaching schedule, we waited until December/January to cycle again. I started my meds at home right after Christmas and by early January we were out in Denver again for retrieval. That cycle we had fewer eggs retrieved - only 11, which was disappointing because there had been considerably more follicles visible on the ultrasound. I don't know what happened. And we only made one blast, so we were very disappointed. The normal rate for blasts at my age is about 1 in 4 (which we exemplified in our first retrieval), so I was pretty much without hope for that one embryo. It turned out to be normal and of slightly better quality, a 4BB. So we transferred that in April. My hopes were much higher, as the embryo was 100% thawed and re-expanding, whereas in our last transfer the embryo was only 75% thawed. But once again, we were struck with a BFN. You all know the emotional devastation that followed - that's where this blog began.

So now here we are again. Actually right now it's just me. J will be joining me on Monday so I'm just hanging out by myself until then. I've been here since Thursday. So far I've got about 11 good sized follicles growing, plus 3 more small ones that may or may not be in the running. I was stimulating really fast at the beginning so they cut my doses down after my appointment at home on Wednesday, but yesterday's check showed that things had slowed down a bit too much so they put me back up to half way between where I had been before. I didn't have to go in today, so it's nice to have a day without having blood drawn or a visit with the "dildo-cam". I'm hoping that things will continue to grow, but hopefully not too fast. I don't want to have to have the trigger shot on Sunday night, because J isn't getting here until Monday. (Based on both of my previous cycles here, we were predicting that I would have my trigger shot on Monday or Tuesday for a Wednesday or Thursday retrieval.) I do all my own subcutaneous injections, which is what all the stim medications are, but I cannot do the IM shots in my hip. Of course, I used to think I couldn't do the sub-q shots, and realized that it really isn't that bad, but I have to draw the line somewhere. First of all, you need 2 hands for the trigger shot and that is just logistically difficult. Secondly, that needle is BIG! I can't even look at it. Of course I've got plenty of padding back there, but still... Anyway, if I have to do it on Sunday I will call the private shot nurse. I had to do that last time too. She is very nice but it costs $110 just for her to come to my hotel and give me a shot, so I'd rather avoid that.

So like I said at the beginning, it is strange to be out in Denver again. I never imagined in the first place that I would come out to Denver to cycle with CCRM, and now I can't believe that this is my 6th trip. The timing is good for this retrieval, because we got it in slightly less than a year after our one day workup. If it had been a little later, I would have had to repeat a lot of the tests from that workup, which is both expensive and time-consuming. So I'm pretty happy with how the timing worked out. But I'm nervous, because this is supposed to be the last attempt with my own eggs. I say "supposed" because that is what my husband and I agreed on, but it is so hard to give up on that thought. I know that I would have a great chance of getting pregnant with donor eggs, and that is a fantastic option for so many people, but it is particularly hard for me. Just so you don't think I'm being overly selfish, I have to say that the reason it is so hard for me is that my mother died when I was very little. Although I have a wonderful step-mother who entered my life shortly after that, I have never had that genetic connection with the mother who raised me. I have always dreamed of being able to have that experience with my own child. So it is hard to give that up. But we will cross that bridge when we come to it.

I have rambled enough for today. I tend to put off these posts for too long and then have to write tons to get caught up. I'll try to write smaller posts a little more frequently. We'll see...

Friday, May 21, 2010

Summer is in sight

Well, once again it has been too long, and although I have a splitting headache at the moment (thanks Lupron!), I figured I couldn't put this off any longer. My academic year is pretty much at a close. Today was graduation and I got to get all dressed up in that goofy academic regalia and sit through a grueling graduation ceremony in the nearly ninety degree weather. It was not fun. But it was good to see some of my favorite students graduate. It is so hard to imagine being in their shoes - it was such a long time ago that I was there.

So aside from today's festivities, I still have a 2 day meeting on campus on Monday and Tuesday, but then that's it! I have all kinds of plans for the summer, starting with the current cycle at CCRM. I started my initial injections (microdose Lupron and Saizen, which is human growth hormone, to hopefully get some really good eggs growing) on Thursday and tomorrow I will add in the FSH drugs (that's follicle stimulating hormones for those who don't know), Menopur and Gonal-f. For the next three days, I will be doing 5 shots a day, which is the maximum for me. The Saizen only goes 5 days total, so once I'm done with that I'll be down to 4 shots a day for the rest of the cycle. I am now the master of shots, but when this all started I had to bury my head in a pillow and let my husband give me the shots. Once I had to start doing it myself when he was out of town, it has gotten much better. I feel much more empowered and not afraid of them at all. I am the biggest wimp, but am pretty proud of how much I have progressed.

I guess I should mention that we have already passed the first potential hurdle in this cycle, which was the suppression check. I went in for my ultrasound on Wednesday morning to make sure that the birth control pills had my follicles nicely suppressed, with no renegade follicles starting to grow ahead of time, or any residual cysts from the previous cycle. So we got the go-ahead to start the meds, obviously. I was worried about that since I've had cysts cancel my cycle before, but that was at the local clinic. It would have really sucked to have to cancel this cycle since we have already booked our flights. So I will be monitored here one more time on Wednesday morning and then will fly to Denver on Thursday. I'm very excited.

But I'm even more excited about our vacation to Mexico. We will just be lounging on the beach all day and snorkeling, and even drinking! Right now I can't drink, but after all those eggs have been removed from me, fertilized and grown into embryos and frozen, there is no reason why I can't relax and have a good time. So the timing couldn't be better. That's what I am looking forward to at the moment, and then when we are back from the vacation, we will begin our hunt for a new apartment in NYC. That will be a big adventure.

That's it for now. I am off to the city to meet my husband and some dear friends who are in from out of town for dinner. I'm looking forward to a nice evening of catching up and relaxing, as well as celebrating the school year that has finally come to an end.

Monday, May 10, 2010

The light at the end of the tunnel

I'm definitely falling behind in my blog posts, but like I said in my last one, this is the end of the academic year for me (yeah!), so I have lots to do. And I feel like I need a good chunk of time to write everything that I want to say. But I'm going to try to get caught up a little.

So, as I mentioned previously, J. and I were having some major problems. He was hugely disappointed with the negative results of our FET (that's frozen embryo transfer for any laymen out there...) last month. And he projected that disappointment onto me and our relationship. In his pain, he was saying things that seriously made me think that our relationship was over. I was already packing in my head. I was devastated and felt very sad and alone. But I think that was his way of grieving and dealing with the situation. Ultimately he had to decide if his life was better with me or without me, and fortunately he decided on the former rather than the latter. He basically just came home one night after having drinks and a good talk with a friend, and hugged and kissed me and said he thought we were going to be ok.

He even sent me a sweet email last week, in which he pasted the lyrics of a song by the Z0mbies, saying that we should make it our theme song for 2010. I'm pasting a link here because I don't want to put the title or lyrics in my blog, just so they won't be Google-able once again: http://www.lyricsbox.com/the-zombies-lyrics-this-will-be-our-year-rntpbtf.html
Needless to say, I teared up when I read the lyrics. I hadn't actually heard the song though, and on Friday night we met in Manhattan for dinner and then took the bus back to NJ. We weren't able to sit right next to each other on the bus, but had seats across the aisle from each other. Shortly after we left Port Authority, he took out his iPod and handed me the earphones. I put them in and he just played the song for me without saying a word. It was very sweet.

Among the other things that are better...we decided to take a really nice vacation, sort of a second honeymoon. We are going to go to Tulum, Mexico for 8 days for our 4th anniversary in June. (We will go the week after we get back from cycling at CCRM. Yes, we are going to cycle again. One last try with my own eggs, and then it's on to donor eggs...). So we spent Saturday planning and booking our trip. We are staying on the beach in a little cabana, and are so excited. Just planning the trip has made us so happy.

But I should say that there is a catch to all of this. Well, not really a catch, but a concession that I have to make in order to help our relationship. Three years ago we left Manhattan to rent a place that is bigger than what we could afford in the city. And though we are right across the river from Manhattan, J. just hasn't been happy here. He really, really misses the city. So we had been looking to buy a place over here somewhere but now we are going to move back to Manhattan and continue to rent. I had just mentioned it in passing during one of our heart-to-heart talks as we tried to work through our problems, and though he didn't say anything about it at the time, it stuck with him and he realized that it would solve a lot of problems. Admittedly we moved out to NJ when were thinking about starting a family but so far that hasn't worked out and while we fully expect that we will be successful in one way or another eventually, we don't want to put our lives even more on hold in the meantime. So it is back to the city for us, where we will hopefully find a place that is not too small, where we could even squeeze a baby for a year or two if we had to.

I am very excited about everything that this summer is going to bring: a cycle at CCRM, a totally lazy beach vacation in Mexico, house-hunting in Manhattan, a massive purging of too much crap that is piling up around this apartment so that I can pack and move. We hope to be settled in a new place by the middle of August at the latest, just in time to get started with the new semester for me.

Whew! So that's where we are right now. Just one more day of dealing with my students and then just grading and computing and submitting grades. A few days of meetings with other faculty members, and graduation. I feel like I am graduating too and am moving forward with the next phase of my life. I am feeling much more positive about everything, and that no matter what happens, we will deal with. What a turn around in just a few weeks, right?

Monday, May 3, 2010

I'm still here

Well, I know I dropped off the face of the earth a bit since that last depressing post. I just couldn't manage to write anything. I actually have so much that I want to write about that I can't even decide. And at the same time, I don't feel like writing any of it. I'm really struggling with how much to share about the problems I'm having with J. Even though he said that he wouldn't look for my blog (and I don't actually think it is Google-able) and that this was a thing for me, I still feel bad writing anything negative about him. Let's just say that we are not entirely on the same page about what to do next, and we are also not on the same page about the future of our relationship. We are very touch and go right now, and it's pretty much the infertility that is pushing us over the edge. It is just so tragic that IF can mess things up in so many ways.

So I have started taking birth control pills again in preparation for a new IVF cycle at the end of May/beginning of June. But this does not mean that we have reached a decision about the cycle. I just had to start them on Saturday in order to be in contention for this cycle, but it doesn't mean that I have to go through with the whole thing. I of course want to cycle again, and am hoping to convince J. that it is worth one more try with my own eggs. I'm pretty sure this would be the last try with my own eggs, and then if he is up for it, we would move on to donor eggs. But I don't know if he will be up for it. We'll just have to take it one step at a time.

In the meantime, I'm just trying to get through the end of the semester with my students and all the grading and what-not. It's always a busy and stressful time of the semester, and this year in particular I just don't have the patience. I absolutely cannot wait for the summer to be here. One of my main goals, in addition to cycling, is to lose this extra weight I've put on while cycling for the past 2 years (which I really couldn't afford to gain in the first place), and to really feel like I'm more in shape. I pretty much hate to exercise, but I know I will feel better if I do. I don't know how to go about becoming a person who exercises, but I hope to figure it out.

So I may not be able to post all that much during these busy last weeks of the semester, but I look forward to focusing on this blog as I make my way through the summer.