Mama bear

I have been meaning to write this post for over a week now, but oh well. So, week before last, we had to take the J-dog for a little surgical procedure. We have known that he would need it since birth and it wasn't a major surgery (let's just say it involved his little boy parts), but it did require general anesthesia, which was of course our main concern. We waited until he was past 6 months so he would be strong and healthy for the anesthesia, but we didn't want to wait too long because we didn't want him to have any memory of it. We had been worrying about it since he was born, but I am very glad to say that it went off seamlessly and it's all behind us now.

We had it done at Co.rnell, which is funny because we opted against going for IF treatments there. But it is an excellent facility and we were very pleased. The only hitch was that they were running late (the father of the patient before us left their films at home and had to go back for them - loser!), and we had to with-hold food and water for 5 hours before the procedure was scheduled. So the J-dog was getting pretty hungry, but he did great and even had an hour long nap in the waiting room.

So, the title of this post comes from the decision as to which one of us would be the one to carry the J-dog into the operating room and be with him as they put him to sleep. I was really, really scared to do it, because I had this awful fear that he wasn't going to wake up from the anesthesia (there was a horrible story on our local news a few months back of a baby who went for a similar procedure at some hospital in the Br.onx and that happened to him - they gave him too much). Plus, I just get all queasy and fainty in hospital settings (although I have admittedly come a long, long way thanks to all my IVFs and also my c-section). J was more than willing to go in with him, in fact he assumed that I just wouldn't be able to handle it. But I knew that when it came down to it, the J-dog was going to want his mama there, and I needed to be the one to do it. So I sucked it up and put on the smurf suit and hat and shoes. The little guy was decked out in a tiny little hospital gown with clowns on it (scary!). I carried him back toward the operating room, we said goodbye to his dad at the end of the hall, and then proceeded down the long hallway. As we got close, I felt like I was going to faint. But I had my baby in my arms and knew that wasn't an option. When we entered the bright room, he was looking all around, curious about everything. He did not cry at all, even with all the funny people in green outfits with masks on. I kept talking to him in a cheery voice and then put him down on the tiny inflated warming blanket (shaped like a little gingerbread man to hold him in place on the full-sized operating table). Then they put the mask over his face and he started crying and struggling. I kept talking in his ear and telling him how good he was, and he quickly fell asleep. They let me lift my mask to kiss him tummy and then the nurse took me out. I walked out the door and could see J at the very end of the hall, looking at me through the window of the double doors. As I walked down the long hall, I could see his face and tell that he was crying, so I started to cry too. I came through the doors and we hugged so hard. I assured him that everything was fine, the J-dog had done great. He told me how proud he was of me for going in there with him, and I said I had to do it - I'm the mama bear and he's my little cub. I would do anything to protect him.

The wait seemed interminable, but after almost 2 hours the doctor came to find us in the waiting room and said that everything had gone great. We went up to recovery where we were told we could go immediately, so we would be there when he woke up, and he was already awake! The anesthesiologist said he had just woken up and was doing great. He wanted to be picked up and to eat right away, so I fed him right next to the bed with his little IV attached. The recovery room reminded me of those I'd been in after all my retrievals and J and I talked about how he would come in to sit by my side and wait for me to wake up. It was a strange circuit of events.

We brought him home soon after, and as soon as we got in the door he vomited everything he had eaten all over himself and the car seat. I stripped him out of his clothes, wrapped him in a plushy blanket and sat down with him in the glider in his nursery. He was very pale and obviously nauseated, so I held him and let him nurse a little more, and rocked him until he fell asleep. He slept in my arms for about 30 mins, and the whole time I just marveled at him and realized how lucky we were to have him, and how many other parents have to take their babies for surgeries and procedures that are not at all as benign. I just can't imagine how hard that must be.

After that initial bout of nausea, he was just fine. Recovery was very fast, he didn't even really seem to need his pain meds and he returned to his usual cheerful self the very next morning. I am a truly lucky mama bear with the best little cub in the world.

Giving Thanks (Updated with photo)

I have been thinking about this post for a while. Of course it comes as no surprise that this particular Thanksgiving is pretty much the absolute best one in recent memory. I wrote a similar post last year at this time, but at that point we still didn't have an idea of how much we truly had to be thankful for. This year all we have to do is look into the deep, gorgeous, dark eyes of our little J-dog and truly understand the meaning of this holiday. Listen to his magical laughter, sniff his sweet head, stroke his incredibly soft skin. All day long I've been soaking him in, and thinking about the pain that past Thanksgivings have brought me. As low as those lows were, well, the high now is almost the polar opposite. But it is bittersweet too. I still remember that pain and it brings tears to my eyes. And I think of all the people out there who are still struggling and wish I could just reach in that pit and pull them out. So today I am beyond thankful for our beautiful, sweet boy and our - finally- family.

We had a very low-key day, just the three of us. This morning we went out to Central Park, just catching a glimpse of the parade balloons down the road in the far distance as we crossed into the park. It was an absolutely gorgeous autumn day here in NYC. Perfect. We went to the playground for the first time all together and put the J-dog in the swings. We took a million pictures of him. He went down the slide for the first time with his dad. And we took more pictures in front of a brilliantly yellow ginko tree. A happy little family. And then we came home and did some prep for dinner. I made a turkey, but had ordered all the side dishes from Fre.sh Dir.ect. For those who aren't from NYC, this service is my savior. They deliver all kinds of groceries, including fresh meals. I could have wimped out completely and gotten a turkey, but it was fun to at least make that. Our kitchen is super-tiny, so this was a great way to go. So we had dinner all together for the very first time. Usually the J-dog has his solid food meal around 5 or 5:30, so we just joined him. He had his own version of our meal - ground turkey, green beans, sweet potatoes and yellow squash. I actually can't even believe how much he ate! Just like us, he filled his belly. It was so nice to sit around the table as a family. A real family.

To everyone out there still reading this blog, I wish you all a very Happy Thanksgiving. I am especially thankful once again for the support you have giving me throughout this journey.

Rolling right along

Every day is an adventure with the J-dog, who seems to be growing before our very eyes. In the past week, he has finally perfected the art of rolling from his tummy to his back. For a while there he would roll over to his tummy in the middle of the night, and get stuck. He was apparently not happy to be there, and would cry until we went to roll him back over. On our pediatrician's recommendation, we stopped going to turn him over, which resulted in a bit of crying at first, but then he not only learned to roll back over, but he also realized that he likes sleeping on his tummy too. So peace has returned to the household. Now we put him down on his tummy on his blanket during the day to practice and he promptly rolls right over. He also enjoys his tummy-time a lot more than he did in the past. He is starting to scoot around a bit on his blanket when he is on his tummy, and we think he is starting to work on the motions for crawling.

He loves to be upright, but still can't sit up on his own. We got a great new bouncer activity seat that lets him be upright and in charge of turning himself all around, where he can reach all kinds of fun toys. He seems to be becoming much more independent in his playing, amusing himself for quite a while on his own. But then he realizes he's by himself and cries out, reaching up in the air to be picked up when I arrive, which melts my heart!

Although we do not actually have a Halloween costume for him, we have several cute outfits which will be worn throughout the day. And our block association has a big party on our street for Halloween, closing off the street to traffic. Everyone goes down to their stoops to give out candy, and kids come from all over to trick or treat on our street. We saw a bit of it last year, and are looking forward to going downstairs on Monday evening to see all the kids parade by. The J-dog will be dressed up in a skeleton outfit and will help us give out candy for as long as he can stay awake. Next year will probably be a little more exciting for him, and we will definitely get a costume then.

Happy Halloween to everyone!

Eating

We had the J-dog's six month appointment last week, and were a bit surprised to learn that he has not been gaining enough weight since his last appointment at four months. He only gained 7 ozs in two months! He went from being in the 50th percentile to just around the 5th. Our doctor was wonderfully calm about it and asked me how often I breast feed him every day. I wasn't exactly sure, but said around five, I guess. And how many supplemental meals of baby food? Usually 2. I told her how much he loved eating his new foods, and how he would cry when I was done feeding him. I was so sure that I was feeding him plenty, because it seemed like he was eating a ton. But apparently the crying wasn't just because it was so yummy, but because he was still HUNGRY! How stupid of me.

Also, at our last visit I told her how he was starting to get distracted while feeding, and would tug on me and look all around. She said it was ok for me to cut him off if he started doing that, but in retrospect that was probably a mistake. I was also in the habit of just giving him one breast at each feeding, so he would fully drain it. I guess all of these things combined to contribute to his low weight gain. So the doctor told me to just up his extra meals to 3 a day, and let him eat as much as he wants at each one.

While I have been doing 3 meals on some days, it is often hard to fit in that many, what with the breastfeeding and naps as well. But, I think I am on a much better rhythm overall. First of all, we start the day in bed in the morning with a very leisurely feed on BOTH sides. This is actually really nice, because by the end of the second side, he will sometimes fall back asleep and we will snooze together. I love that! Then we get up and play for just a little in his new activity bouncy seat, before having breakfast. He will have a nice bowl of oatmeal, with some fruit (bananas, or pears or prunes) or maybe some sweet potato or butternut squash (for some reason I have a hard time thinking of giving him peas or zucchini for breakfast...). I let him eat as much as he wants. He is much more relaxed about it now, and not frantic, because he has had a good feeding beforehand. Also, we got a real high chair, which helps a lot too. Before I was feeding him in his Bum.bo chair on the kitchen counter, which caused him to lurch forward into the food a lot.

Next he goes down for his morning nap, and indeed it seems to help him sleep longer too! This morning he had an hour and 15 min nap, whereas they used to never last more than 45 mins. So I guess that having a full belly helps him sleep longer.

The rest of the day is a little less structured - either a music or yoga class at mid-day, or just hanging out until the next nap and then going out after for a walk or shopping. Sometimes I'll take him out for a walk after his first nap, and then he'll fall asleep for his second nap in the stroller and I'll do some fun shopping for me. I'm continuing to make sure that he starts on the breast that he finished on at the last feeding, and then switch to the other. I know this is what many people consider normal, but I had always felt that he seemed satisfied and done after finishing just one. I'm worried that maybe my supply has diminished because of this, so hopefully it will increase as I continue these new habits.

In the late afternoon he will have another meal, this time with both a green veggie and an orange one, and then a fruit too. Sometimes he takes a third nap, but sometimes he doesn't. Then it's bath time, another feed and bed!

So, I'm hoping that by implementing these new feeding habits, we will get him back on track and gaining weight like a champ. (He is 27 inches long, and weighs 14 lbs 10 ozs.)

I know I also promised an assessment of my new Baby Bre.zza baby food maker. I will just say that it is incredibly easy to use, easy to clean and small enough to store on my tiny kitchen counter. It will automatically puree after it is done steaming, but you can also set it to do just one or the other separately, which is handy. So far I have made peas, zucchini, green beans, butternut squash, sweet potato (these I baked in the oven and then pureed in the Bre.zza), apples and pears. He likes pretty much everything, though I would say maybe he isn't super-fond of the zucchini yet. Today he had 1/2 of an avocado mashed up, and he loved that! It was only the second time he has had it - the first time was at the very beginning and I didn't give him too much. And of course he loves bananas too.

I'm super tired right now, so this post is a bit disjointed, but I didn't want to put off writing it any longer. I have been so bad about blogging. But on the plus side, I've been having fun hanging out with the J-dog, which doesn't leave me a lot of time for the computer.

Born to travel

Perhaps because we had to travel in order to create our little J-dog, and indeed I was on a plane with "him" before he was even 3 days old in-utero, but I have to say that he is a natural-born traveler. Our trip to Italy was a huge success, and as suspected, he charmed the pants off of everyone he encountered along the way. Everything went very smoothly, and I was very impressed to see how many people were so helpful to me as a mom traveling by myself. I did curbside check-in, which was great, and the guy helped me with all my stuff all the way up to security inside the airport. (I was only checking one medium-sized suitcase, but then had to take with me to the gate the umbrella stroller, the car seat in a nifty backpack, a giant tote bag that also contained my diaper bag, my purse, and of course - the J-dog!) I initially had him in the carrier when going into the airport, but the Skycap recommended that I put him in the stroller because with the stroller in its bag, it looked like I had too much luggage. I was pretty sure I was entitled to all that stuff, but took his advice. That meant that I had to take J out of the stroller to go through security, and fold the stroller and put it on the belt. I was struggling to do this with him in my arms when a nice young woman behind me in line swooped in and took J from my arms. At first I was a little freaked because it happened so fast, but she was just standing there smiling and bouncing him, and I realized that she didn't speak any English but was just being helpful. So once I knew that this wasn't some international baby-snatching ring, I smiled in appreciation. And then the security woman came and whisked me through the gate - I'm not even sure if we went through a metal detector or not. We got through so quickly and the other security guys brought all my stuff over to another table where I thought they were going to inspect it, but they were just putting it there to get it off the belt so I could get myself re-organized again. Very nice.

I got to the gate 2 hours prior to departure because I had been told that to get a bulkhead seat and a bassinet, it was first-come, first-served at the gate. Of course no one showed up until about 45 mins before the flight. She was able to give me a bulkhead, but said that there was no bassinet on this plane. Let me just say that this was about the 5th different piece of information I had been given about bassinets. When I booked the flight months ago, they told me I could call reservations 48 hours ahead of time to request one. On a later call, I was told they were first-come, first-served at the gate. Then my dad, who actually took this same flight 5 days earlier than I did, called after he checked in to say that the woman at the desk in the Admir.als Club (yes, it was Am.erican) told him that they were now selling those seats and that I should call reservations to purchase one. I called and was again told it was first-come, first-served at the gate! So many different messages. So when the gate agent told me there was no bassinet on the plane, I just laughed. There was no place to put the car seat, so I gate-checked it. But I had brought it just in case there was an empty seat next to me. Plus, I did not want to risk the airline losing it, so did not want to check it. I'm happy with that choice. However, on the return flight I was told at check-in that it was a full flight and I went ahead and checked it. I knew that if I had to, I could use a car-service with a car seat to get home if they lost it.

Anyway, back to the flight. We got on the plane and got settled in, next to a nice enough guy who was pretty gracious about being next to a baby. When the flight attendants came for drink service, I asked if it would be ok to make a nest for the baby on the floor at my feet, since there was some extra room. He said, oh, let me get you the bassinet! Well what do you know! There was indeed a bassinet on the plane, right over our seat. He got it down, hooked it into the wall of the bulkhead in front of me. I had already fed the J-dog on take-off and he was getting ready to go to sleep (it was a little past his bedtime already). I rocked him a bit and tucked him into the bassinet, which was just barely long enough for him, and he fell asleep! He slept for pretty much the entire flight, until the sun started to come up and they came around with breakfast. So he was just great!

We were met at the airport by a dear old friend of mine, and he took us to his lovely apartment. We hung out, had a nap, and got settled into Italian time. I have to say that the J-dog got pretty well adjusted to the time change in about a day or two. It was great. We had a lovely long weekend in Milan with my friend and his partner (who by the way are embarking on their own journey to become fathers through an egg donor and gestational carrier here in the US, in California...that is another story in itself. But gay adoption is illegal in Italy, so this is their only option. More on that in another post.)

After three days, my friend drove us up to Lake Co.mo where we met up with my parents at an amazing villa owned by a colleague of my father. We had a lovely time the whole week, taking walks down to the town, going for a boat ride to Bella.gio, another to the town of Co.mo for some shopping (twice actually), eating lovely lunches out and having simple suppers at home in the evening after the J-dog went down to sleep. We got into a really nice rhythm and I have to say, it was hard to leave. I guess it would have been hard for anyone to leave, but I have to explain that I used to live in Italy, and at one point in my life thought I would stay there for good. I speak the language of course, and feel very much at home there. So coming home was bittersweet. Of course we both missed J very much and couldn't wait to see him. But a part of me felt it would be pretty neat to stay there for a much longer time.

On our last day at the lake, my friend came back up from Milan for the day and we just hung out, talking. I realized how much I miss him too, being able to just pick up right where we left off. (We have known each other for over 20 years, when he was an exchange student in high school. Indeed, he is the reason I started studying Italian in the first place, in college.) I told him that I was going to try to make more of an effort to get over to Italy more often, in the summers when I am not teaching. I would really like the J-dog to learn Italian, though it is difficult to speak to him in Italian at home since it seems strange to speak to him in a language that is not my mother-tongue (there is a reason they call it a mother-tongue, right??) But I did get him a bunch of books in Italian, and will make an effort to read them to him and talk a bit in Italian. I would love to be able to get an Italian nanny for him here in New York, but I'm sure it will cost me more. We'll see.

So, I will post a few pictures from our trip.

The Cathe.dral in Mi.lan

Chasing Pigeons

Getting ready for a nap


Detail of the villa. Our window is the one with closed shutters at the very top.

Our room. I love the sky on the ceiling. And they were very nice to provide us with a crib, though I'm not so sure about the color!

And someone didn't get the memo about no pillows or sheets for an infant, but I love extra pillows and made good use of this one for myself.

View of the lake from the waterfront of the town where we stayed.

Waiting for the boat.

He loved riding on the boats!

The Cath.edral in Co.mo.

Our trip home was very easy too, especially since my parents were making it with us. We were given 3 bulkhead seats together in the center, and also got a bassinet. He did not sleep very much on the way back though as it was daytime, but he ate a lot and got passed around between the three of us, so it was fine. I breezed through security in Milan, they even let him stay in the stroller, but "frisked" him under the seat, etc. I had several bottles of water as mothers are entitled to, but they made me taste it. Overall I have to say that traveling with a baby this age is pretty easy. It just takes some extra planning and strategic packing. I usually over-pack for myself but was very good about taking only 5 outfits for me for the 10 days. And only 3 pairs of shoes, which for me is unheard of!

That's enough for today I think. Next entry I'll let you know how feeding solids is going, and how I like the Bre.zza...(hint - very much!)

Five months!

Wow, I knew it had been a while since I updated, but didn't realize I'd let another month go by. Sorry for being such a bad blogger. In the meantime, we are at another month birthday for Mr. Bean. Actually, I am tired of calling him Mr. Bean, as that is so "in-utero". I am now going to call him what we often call him at home - the J-dog. Because that is his first initial, though he is not named for his dad. (And it is a reference to The Flight of the Conch.ords, a silly show we love.)

So, we had a great first family vacation in Cape Cod. We survived the hurricane with very little problem (it was mostly a lot of wind and we lost power for about 4 hours, but that's it). The J-dog seemed to really like the beach and the waves, though he did not enjoy having his toes dipped in the cold water.

Since returning from vacation, he has graduated from sleeping in a bassinet in our room to sleeping in his own big crib in his own room. He made the transition with no problem whatsoever - it was Mom and Dad who missed having him with them and were very sad. We have become pretty obsessive about watching him on our video monitor, to see what adorable sleep position he has assumed.

It's a good thing that we do have that video monitor, because we are able to see when he has rolled himself over onto his belly and gotten stuck. He can only roll one way, and then gets upset when he can't get himself back over to his back. He kept me on my toes for several hours on Friday night - continuously rolling back onto his tummy every time I left the room. It might be some sort of ploy to get me to come in for a visit! I will say that he has gotten better at doing his tummy time during the day though, because he has been practicing in his crib at night.

The J-dog has started eating some "solid" foods. So far it is more an exercise of practicing swallowing and getting used to a spoon, as well as exploring some new flavors. He just has one "snack" a day for now, and still gets all his real meals from nursing. We didn't really mean to start him on banana first, but it is often recommended as a natural first choice for baby food because it can just be mashed up without cooking. So last weekend on a lark I gave him a little taste when I was having my own breakfast and it was love at first bite. Since then we have introduced whole grain brown rice cereal, which he likes ok, and avocado which he likes more than the cereal but not as much as the banana. Next step will be to try some steamed and pureed veggies - I just hope that I haven't spoiled him by giving him the sweet fruit first. I plan to buy a baby food maker - I wasn't going to initially, but our kitchen is really small and I think I'd rather have a small appliance on the counter than have to deal with a pot with a steamer and then also a blender or food processor, both of which live high up on a shelf and rarely come down. I'm thinking of getting the Br.ezza - any thoughts?

So, as for the next adventure - the J-dog and I are headed to Italy this week. Yes, Italy. And yes, we are going without J. I will be flying over there on my own with the baby, but will be met at the airport by an old friend. We will stay with him for 3 days, and then will meet up with my parents who will be at a villa on Lake Como that belongs to a friend of my dad's. I just couldn't pass up this opportunity for a free trip (thanks to my parents) to Italy with the J-dog, since I am not teaching this semester. Fortunately we will all fly back to NYC together so they can help me with the J-dog on that portion of the trip. The flight over is at night, so he should sleep the whole way (please, please, please!), but the return is during the day so there will be lots of passing the baby around and entertaining him. I just hope he'll have some nice long naps.

I really do need to get better at the shorter, more frequent posts - I know it would be easier for me to find the time to write them, as well as for you guys to read. Thanks for your patience!

Just say thanks...

That's what I need to learn to do when someone tells me that Mr. Bean has my eyes. Because apparently his eyes do look like mine, or so I've been told several times. The first time was by a friend of mine who commented on a photo I posted on Fac.ebook. I could have sworn that I had told her we used donor egg, so I was confused by her comment. I did write to her to clear it up though, just because she is a good friend (though admittedly we've been a little out of touch over the last year) and for some reason I didn't want to feel like I was "putting one over" on her. I think because I knew if it were me in her place, I would want to know precisely so I would not look foolish by making such a comment. Anyway, she wrote me back and apologized for not realizing (I had indeed written her about it when I found out I was pregnant, but didn't really dwell on the egg donor part, so she hadn't noticed), and also for making me feel uncomfortable about the comment. There were absolutely no hard feelings, and I'm glad that I did let her know. But when I told J about it, he thought I was a little weird. He didn't see why I felt like I needed to tell her. I explained that it was just because she was a good friend.

So the next day I went to my Mommy and Me yoga class. The owner of the studio stopped by at the end of the class. She had been my teacher for pre-natal yoga and had not seen me since the week before my c-section, when I was desperately trying to get Mr. Bean to turn. When she saw him, she immediately said, "Oh, he's got your eyes!" I was once again surprised, because I forget that there isn't a big sign posted on his onesie that says "donor egg baby". I pulled myself together and said "You think so? That's so nice!" And that's just what I'm going to say from now on.

We are mostly packed up for our vacation - we leave tomorrow morning as soon as we pick up the rental car and get it loaded up with all our stuff. I can't believe how much stuff is needed for a two week trip to the beach with a baby. And I'm sure we'll both take too much, and also forget something. Oh well. All we really need is the three of us. This is our first family vacation together, and I'm looking forward to starting a tradition.

Finally, Mr. Bean is 4 months old today. He had his 4 month doctor's appointment and everything looks great.

I'll be off the air for a couple of weeks and am wishing R at One Egg Please all the best with her delivery next week!!!

Picture this

I have had a few requests for pictures of Mr. Bean, especially from Mrs. MTL. I want to explain my, probably, overly protective reasons for not posting identifiable photos. First of all, this is the internet and not password protected, and I just don't have any idea who is reading this blog. Although I have done my best to remain anonymous, I have given enough details of dates and other things that it is entirely possible that someone, and in particular our egg donor who knows what our match date and retrieval dates were, could identify us. Let me state for the record that although we did use an anonymous donor, I would not be adverse to meeting her down the line, or to having her see pictures of Mr. Bean. But I would want to be in control of that situation. (So, if you are reading donor, feel free to email me. But I'm not going to try to track you down or anything, so don't worry.)

That being said, I have started thinking more about our donor lately, and sometimes with sadness. I'm of course overjoyed to have our beautiful little boy, and for the most part I don't think of him as being anything other than 100% ours. But as he gets a little bigger and starts to have more facial expressions, we have been looking for signs of J in him. And while we often do find features that look like J, I've started noticing ways in which he looks like the childhood photos we have of our donor. We have been taking tons of pictures of him, and every time we load new photos on the computer we go through them very carefully, looking and commenting about each one. The other night there was a picture that really struck me. I shouldn't have said anything, but instead I remarked how his expression and eyes really looked like a photo we have of the donor. J agreed. And then he went and pulled up the donor photo, and put the two side by side. For some reason it made me really sad to see such concrete evidence that our baby is the product of her DNA. He asked me if I was ok, and could see that I was getting teary. He apologized for pulling up the picture, realizing that maybe he shouldn't have done it. I've just been trying not to think about it. I know I'll get over it, especially as he continues to grow into his own unique person.

Another anniversary

One year ago today, little Mr. Bean and I were united for the first time, and we've been inseparable ever since! Happy Transfer Day little guy.

In other big news, I got AF last night! I can't say I've missed it over the last year, but it is also kind of nice to have things back to "normal".

And on a related topic, I'm starting to think about birth control again. My OB gave me a prescription for the mini-pill, assuring me that it is safe, but I'm not sure that she is on top of the risks associated with hormones in a woman who has done multiple IVF stim cycles. I wonder if any of you out there have come across any studies or evidence that I should stay away from the hormones? I guess the mini-pill has no estrogen, just progesterone.

It does seem pretty absurd to me to have to even think about birth control; I mean what are the chances? And J. is planning to get a vasectomy, but I'm not sure how soon that will be. We do still need to discuss it, but if we were to try for another baby we would most likely just try with our frozen embryos and if that didn't work, we would be done. Or, I suppose we could even do another DE cycle with his sperm, which can still be extracted from him surgically. Or, I think we still have a back-up sample from him on ice at CCRM. So we have plenty of possibilities. And while there is also this tiny little fantasy inside me of having a miracle baby, I would be too afraid of having some abnormalities. Finally, when it comes right down to it, I have to admit that most likely Mr. Bean will be our one and only. Who could really ask for anything more?

Happy Conception Day Mr. Bean!

One year ago today, our little bundle of joy was created in a lab in Colorado. And today he is a laughing, kicking, squirming baby boy. It is so strange to think how far we have come, how far he has come, from a few splitting cells to the bigger than life baby he is now. What a difference a year makes.

We just got back from our trip this morning. I decided to stay away almost a week longer than originally planned, so I could spend more time with my family and also get a ride back to NYC with my parents rather than come back with J last Sunday by public transportation. We had a great time and Mr. Bean got to meet his little cousins, ages almost 5 and 2. They were very taken with him and did a great job of keeping him entertained. It was very sweet to see. And I really enjoyed my time out of the city, taking in the country air. It made me start to think more about how nice it would be to not live in the city any more. Fortunately we have got another nice vacation coming up in another 2 weeks, when we head out to Cape Cod. I could get used to this life of not working!

Mr. Bean's first out of town adventure

We are all packed and ready to get out of the hot city! This is our first little vacation with the little guy. Actually my parents are picking up just me and Mr. Bean tomorrow and driving us up to New Hampshire, where we'll meet up also with my sister and her kids. J will meet us up there next week. I'm hoping that we will survive the long car ride. He has only been in a car twice - once home from the hospital and once for another doctor's visit uptown when he was just a week old. Both times in taxis, and for less than 20 minutes. So this will definitely be new.

I know that it is hot all over the country right now, but we had temps of 104 in Central Park today - ugh! I wouldn't have gone out except I had finally managed to re-schedule that hair appointment that I had to cancel back in June. So I left the two men at home and ventured out to get my hair cut for the first time since last August! I'm so happy to finally have a style to my hair again. It was also the first time I'd been on the subway since April - it's crazy how insular my life has become. And I haven't left the city since we went to California for Christmas, so this will be a much needed vacation.

Off to bed - we leave early in the morning....

Three months!

I can't believe that the little guy is already 3 months old. Time really flies on the one hand, but I also feel like he has always been a part of my life. It's amazing how he just fits right in.

There is lots going on. He is so much more interactive, he is "talking" and smiling and laughing a lot. He has discovered his hand, and will watch it coming towards his mouth until he crosses his eyes. That freaks me out!

We are working on sleeping. I didn't realize there was so much involved in sleeping, and that he was going to have to learn how to do it! Mostly he is a very good sleeper, and he goes for very long periods at night. In fact, on Friday night he slept for 11 hours straight, without even eating! I couldn't believe it. Since then he has been back to waking up at 5 for a feed, and then again around 7, so I don't think we can count on the 11 hour thing. He goes right down for a morning nap very easily, but he struggles with the afternoon naps. This afternoon he has already had two short naps and is now dozing off in his swing again as I write. I should pick him up and put him in his crib for his nap, but I'm afraid he will get all fussy again. He is still too young for "sleep training", with the crying, so I figure I'll just let him sleep when he wants to sleep and hopefully the naps will sort themselves out. If not, we'll do the training when he is closer to 6 months. I am planning to take him on several trips before then, so I think that any progress we make will be messed up by our travels anyway. (Ok, I just went and put him down in his crib - we'll see if that lasts...)


I really also can't believe that the summer is halfway over, and am so glad that I am taking the fall semester off. I can't imagine having to leave my baby any time soon, though I know that many moms don't have even as much time as I've had already. I never thought I'd say it, but having this little guy makes me think that being a stay-at-home mom wouldn't be the end of the world. But we'll see if I still feel that way in a few more months.

Ok, he's crying again. Another nap in the crib foiled...

Reminders

For those of you who think that I'm just living in my happy little baby bubble and don't ever stop to think about everything that we have been through over the past several years, here is a post for you. Of course I think about it, all the time. I still pop onto IVFC pretty regularly to keep up with you guys over there, though I can't really bring myself to read too much about people who are actively cycling. It is too hard to remember all that pain. Unless I already have a "relationship" with someone on the boards, I just can't get involved in a new story - there are just too many women out there who are still struggling and of course I feel for all of them, but I just can't go there. It is still too painful for me.

They say that the sense of smell is the most evocative of past memories, and I couldn't agree more. The other day I needed to disinfect a blister on my foot, so I got out the alcohol. As soon as I opened the bottle, the smell was overwhelming. All of a sudden I was standing in the kitchen of our previous apartment with all my meds and syringes spread out on the counter in front of me, wiping my belly with an alcohol swab, preparing to give myself the first, second, third, fourth, or even fifth shot of the day. It was such a powerful blast of memory, it almost made me cry.

Also the other day, I was cutting up a nice fresh pineapple for a fruit salad. That also brought me back to several transfers when I decided that I would try eating pineapple to help with implantation (even the last transfer, which was successful - but most likely because of nice healthy donor eggs and nothing to do with eating pineapple). This time I got to cut out the core and throw it away, rather than including a bit of the chewy, fibrous part in every bite. And in fact, there is still some of that pineapple in the fridge right now - I think I'll go have some.

Bottle strike

We have a definite bottle strike going on. He absolutely will not take it. I've read all the advice out there on the internet and in my books, and nothing is working. I guess it is normal for babies to start refusing it at this age, even if they took it before. I don't know whether he will change his mind or not. I'm about to try it one more time (either J or I have been trying about once a day, every day) but at this point I'm not even really bothering to pump any extra because I just know it will be wasted. I guess we were lucky that he took the bottle when my MIL was here and we went out for our anniversary. Who knows when that will happen again? I'm also lucky that I'm not going back to work any time soon, although I assume that if I left him with a caretaker he would get the bottle problem sorted out or risk starving himself.

He has been taking a nice afternoon nap in his crib (in the nursery, not in the bedroom bassinet where he sleeps at night), and is doing great with it. Yesterday he slept for an hour and a half in there, and today for two! Why I feel this is such an accomplishment, I'm not sure. But we are getting onto more of a schedule, so that is good.

What a boring post. I have some more "deep" thoughts to post, but can't right now, so I'll save that for the next time.

Happy Father's Day!

Things are going well here and the little guy is becoming more and more fun every day. We had a really nice Father's Day, especially since J is starting to get more smiles and coos from Mr. Bean. J has been playing the guitar and singing to him, and we got two great videos of Mr. Bean kicking and "singing" along. One was to just a clip of some kind of random "rock riffing", and the other was an entire performance of a song that J wrote for the baby when I was still pregnant - it is "his" song and J played it for him several times in utero. That was really sweet.

Mr. Bean got his dad a photo mug and mouse pad from Shu.tterfly for Father's Day. J loves the mug, while the mouse pad may go the way of many future Father's Day gifts - he says he probably just won't use it because it doesn't go with the "theme" of his desk at work! Whatever!

J's dad was here for a visit over the weekend, but left on Sunday morning so we had the whole day to ourselves. He stayed at a hotel fortunately, but still spent a lot of time over here from Thursday evening through Saturday evening. He was completely gaga over his first grandchild, which was sweet but also kind of overwhelming. He is a very strong personality and I can really only take him in small doses. But I'm not about to begrudge him any time he wants to spend loving on his grandson.

On Sunday we had a quiet day and went out for a walk through a street fair near our apartment, until the walk was cut short by baby needing to eat. It was nice to just hang out with the three of us though.

On the eczema front - I think it is pretty much completely gone. I wanted to try to confirm that cow's milk is to blame, so rather than eating something that would take a while to work its way out of my system again, I gave him a bottle of breastmilk that I pumped before cutting out the dairy. Indeed, that seemed to cause a tiny little flare-up, so I feel pretty confident that we have identified the cause. So right now I am enjoying a yummy iced coffee with vanilla flavored Silk Almond milk. I've been really missing cheese, so I'm going to search out some nice goat and/or sheep cheese. For example, I might not be able to eat parmesan on my pasta, but I can have pecorino! I will draw the line at drinking goat's milk or eating goat yogurt though...

We are still having fussy late-evenings with the little guy, and now he has stopped wanting to take a bottle before going to bed. The past two nights I've had to nurse him rather than J giving him a bottle - he just gets hysterical about the bottle. I was able to give him the bottle later the other night, for a middle of the night feed, and he took it with no problem, so I'm not sure what is going on. I guess he's just over-tired and fussy, and only the breast will do. I also realized that he's just not napping much during the day, so we need to work on that. He is sleeping well at night, and right now is still sleeping at 10:30 am, after eating at 7:30. So I guess he is getting most of his sleep needs met overnight and in the morning, but we do need to establish a more formal nap in the afternoon or early evening, ideally in his crib rather than his swing. He still sleeps in the co-sleeper in our room at night, but I want to start putting him down for a nap during the afternoon in the crib in his nursery, so he can start getting used to sleeping in there. I'm not sure when we'll transition him to the nursery for night time.

Ok, I think he is starting to wake up finally and he's going to be hungry. It's so funny how quickly he can melt down when he needs to eat!

Anniversary Date

We had a wonderful time out on our own this past Friday night. My MIL was here for the week, and we planned that particular time so we could hopefully get out for the night. It all went really well - he did great for her and even slept for a 6 hour stretch from midnight to six - wow! That may be because he was in his cradle swing, which I recommended to her so that he wouldn't give her too much trouble. Of course we can't do that regularly, but maybe he will actually start sleeping that long anyway.

So J and I had a lovely dinner out at my favorite little restaurant down in the West Village. After dinner we strolled around the neighborhood, looking at the gorgeous town houses and playing the "what if we lived in that one" game. Then we took a cab back to our hotel at Bryant Park, and sat in the park people watching and talking. It was fun, because it was almost like being tourists in NYC. Then we headed back to the hotel, for bed...and let's just say that we had some adult fun for the first time in a LONG, LONG time (after getting the all-clear from my doctor earlier in the week). Hopefully we won't go that long again!

I still didn't get to sleep all the way through the night of course because I had to get up around 3:30 to pump, which also woke J up. Oh well. We came close. And the next morning we ordered room service, which was a total silly splurge. I can't believe we paid $100 for two orders of pancakes, a coffee, a tea and one orange juice. Wow. But it was nice to just lounge around the room before finally heading back home to our sweet boy around noon. We were away from him for just about 18 hours, and that was just about enough. At dinner we even took out the photos that J has in his wallet and admired them. But we did have some grown up conversations too, and really enjoyed just being with each other. Oh yeah, and the first thing I did when we checked in was to have a lovely bubble bath in the giant soaking tub. My first bath in an even longer time than the above activity ;-)

As for the eczema, it seems to be just a little bit better, but I'm hoping it will continue to improve. It does seem to be better in the mornings when he has gone a long time without eating. I read online that it can take 2 to 3 weeks to get all the cow's milk protein out of my system and his, so it might take that long to see results. I am being mostly good about avoiding dairy, but MIL left behind a bag of Dove milk chocolates which I need to banish from the house. And also a bag of pretzels that have whey in them - I guess I shouldn't be eating those either. But I have replaced my morning milk with almond milk, bought some non-dairy frozen dessert (it has soy milk in it though and I'm worried that soy might also be a problem), and some vegan cheddar cheese alternative. I do wish I just knew what the problem ingredient was. And in response to R, who suggested getting Mr. Bean allergy tested, our pediatrician said she didn't recommend that at first because there are so many false positives at this age, plus he'll have to get pricked a bunch. But if it doesn't clear up soon, of course I'll consider it. I just want him to get better!

Poor little bunny

I don't have much time for a long post, but want to try to be better about regular postings...
Mr. Bean has got a nasty case of eczema all over his beautiful little face. It started about a week ago and I thought it was baby acne. Then I thought it was a heat rash. Then I thought he was allergic to the detergent in my clothes (we only use the fragrance-free stuff on his, because we have to supply it separately to the laundry place where we send our stuff). Then I took him to the doctor who said it's eczema and that I should eliminate all dairy from my diet. Woof. I'm a real milk, yogurt, ice cream, cheese person (especially because I don't eat any red meat), so that will be hard, but I do hope it helps. Because he looks really, really pathetic. It's so hard to look at that sweet little face all covered with nasty red rash and crusty spots. Ugh. Does anyone have any experience with this? And how likely is it that it is really diet related? Of course I've been Goo.gling like crazy, but would welcome any anecdotes (and antidotes!!!!).

On the up side, tomorrow is our five year wedding anniversary. What a long and strange five years it has been. We are leaving the little one at home with my mother-in-law and going out for dinner at my favorite restaurant down in the West Village, and then are staying overnight at a decently nice (but not 5 star) hotel. I'm so excited! I've been diligently storing up enough milk to allow us to do so, and now even have enough to buy us breakfast in bed. I know I will miss him like crazy, but it will be so nice to have an evening out, a romantic night with J, and to sleep the whole night! I'll give an update in a few days.

Pathetic!

That's what I am when it come to keeping up this blog! I can't believe it has been a month - I really suck. Oh well. Here I am, though I don't know how much time I have before the munch-monster wakes up from his nap and wants to eat again. He is growing like crazy, thanks to his very healthy appetite. At his 4 week appointment he was up to 9 pounds (from 6 lbs, 7 ozs at his one week appointment). Now he's 6.5 weeks and I'm sure he's well over 10 pounds.

So things are going great. He is very sweet and good-natured, just bursting into crying when he's desperate to eat. He does have a fussy period in the evening, but we have been able to get through it with the purchase of a swing and white noise CD, both of which are true miracles. He likes to eat even more than usual in those evening hours, and I'm starting to think that he is storing it up so he can work on sleeping for a longer period at night. Last night he went from 10:30 to 4:20 between feedings, sleeping the whole time, so I'm hopeful that this trend will continue.

I started pumping milk at around 4 weeks, so that J can give him a bottle just before our bedtime. That has been working very well - he was a little tentative about the bottle the first time, but caught on quickly, so I'm glad we have that flexibility. Also J's mother is coming tomorrow for a week and we are going out next weekend for our five year wedding anniversary. We are planning to go out to dinner, and then spend the night out in a hotel!!! So we need her to be able to give him bottles while we are gone. I've been stockpiling milk and am almost at my goal. It should be a nice celebration, though I have to admit the thing I'm most excited about is getting a full night's sleep (as long as I'm not lying awake worrying about the little guy).

On another note, remember these bracelets?

Well, as promised, they stayed on until baby arrived safely, even though mine was kind of stinky. But they have now been removed:



And I know I said I wasn't going to post pics of the little one, but I think this one is anonymous enough...I hope:


That's to make up for not posting in so long, and I'll try to do better, but probably won't have a chance to write again until MIL leaves next weekend.

Where was I? (Updated)

It's amazing how hard it is to find time for updates...

So,after I got to see my beautiful baby for the first time, J got to hold him near me for a bit, and my buddy the anesthesiologist took a wonderful "first family photo" of all three of us from above. He says he's gotten used to taking that shot, and it really came out great. So he gets some cred as a photographer as well.

Then it was time for the baby and J to leave me to get stitched back up. J went out to the hall to call all the parents, and baby went to get all checked out for a bit. I'm not sure how long all that took, but soon enough I was being wheeled to recovery and begging for some ice chips (I hadn't had anything to eat or drink for 12 hours, and even then my breakfast had been pretty meager, plus I hadn't eaten anything except for a breakfast bar for dinner, in the taxi on the way to the hospital.) But I wasn't hungry, just thirstier than I had ever been in my life.

Soon enough J arrived again, and they brought the baby in for some skin-to-skin contact. They put him right on my chest and sure enough, he did the amazing breast crawl, scooting himself up and over to my breast, where he didn't really latch on yet but plopped his head down for a little rest. It was so beautiful. I think he may have sucked a little, but I can't really remember. We did get to hang out for a while, and then they took him off for the last time, to have a proper bath. J went with him and took more pictures. They kept him in the nursery for a little while longer and J needed to get something to eat - he hadn't had any dinner and by this time it was midnight. So he went to the diner across the street for some pancakes - I thought that was pretty funny, but he also said he just needed a few minutes to breathe and process everything, and I was fine with letting him go.

When he came back it was time to head to our room, where they soon brought the baby as well. We were on the list for a private room, which we had to pay extra for, and fortunately one was available. Even better, we arrived after 1 am, so they ended up not charging us for the first night - score! This was the best money we ever spent (well, after all the money we paid to CC.RM I suppose...) - I felt so bad for the people in the shared rooms. It was so wonderful to have the room all to ourselves, and to be able to have J sleep there with us as well, especially since I wasn't able to move much. He took care of all the changing and bringing the baby to me for feedings. Plus the private room included the most amazing room service food with a real menu to choose from - not just hospital food. We were living in the lap of luxury for 3 days and it was great to be so pampered as we got used to the new baby. We brought him home on Friday the 22nd (the day we were supposed to do the c-section, and one week before his due date...), and J took off 2 weeks to take care of us both. He has been phenomenal - I don't know what I would do without him. He just went back to work this week, but still takes care of dinner and everything when he comes home.

The baby did great latching on for feedings almost from the start, and we had great help from the nurses too. He has been eating really well since then, and is gaining weight at a good rate. He is very sweet, and mostly just sleeps and eats of course. Today he has been a little fussy - wanting to eat almost every hour since 6:30 this morning - I just let him eat whenever he wants and am getting a bit sore. But he is usually on a pretty good schedule of eating every 3 hours, so hopefully he will get back to that soon.

What else can I tell you? I am still pretty sore, and sometimes have pain, from the incision, but overall I have to say that I don't mind missing out on the vaginal labor. I've been hearing and reading all kinds of horror stories of being ripped apart down there, so maybe I got a pretty good deal after all. As many of you said, once I had my little sweet baby in my arms, I just didn't care how he got there.

Finally, some of you asked his name, or for pictures - I'm not going to post either. Maybe I'm being a little paranoid, but there are enough identifying facts about me on this blog, and with the whole egg donor thing...well, I don't know. I've become a super-protective mama hen, and I don't think that's a bad thing!

Update for Soulshine:
Ok, he's absolutely adorable, of course! In fact, several people on the street have even said that they aren't "baby people", but that our guy is seriously cute. He has a full head of dark hair (only curly when scrubbed dry but combs straight) and J is obsessed with brushing it (as he says, he doesn't really have much of his own to comb). He makes the cutest little faces. We are hoping that he has his dad's cleft chin - there is a little indentation that seems like it could go that way. And he weighed 6 lbs 13 oz at birth and now is up to about 7 lbs 5 oz. He was 20 inches long - so pretty long and lean. And since he was squished in there sideways, he loves to keep his legs crossed Indian style with his feet all tucked up - in fact one of the doctors at the hospital was worried that one of his feet had a problem straightening out, but our pediatrician says that he is perfect. Of course we think so!

Here we are!

Wow, time really does fly when you have a new baby. I'm sorry for keeping you all hanging and I do appreciate all the lovely comments. Everything is great here and the little one is right here next to me on the couch, my usual perch for computing. I don't know how much time I'll have to write this entry, so let me just start with the arrival story.

At last update, we were expecting to do a c-section on Friday the 22nd, due to his transverse position, as well as slightly low fluid and cord around the neck. Well, on Monday the 18th I went for my OB visit and my blood pressure was elevated. She was concerned enough to send me to the hospital for observation, though was pretty sure I would be sent home after a few hours. I went to the hospital and spent about 5 hours in triage, being monitored. An ultrasound showed that fluid was a bit lower, but baby was fine. However, my blood pressure kept spiking, so they admitted me overnight. After a very sleepless night (blood pressure being monitored every 30 minutes at first, and then at 1:00 am being moved to a shared room with a woman on bedrest who kept coughing and using her call button to ask for various things...), I was told by the doctors that they wanted to go ahead and do the c-section that day. There just wasn't any point in waiting and my blood pressure was worrisome enough that they didn't want me to get any worse. So I called J at work and gave him the news (he had come by the evening before to bring me some stuff and visit with me, but had gone home to sleep and get in a good day at work). He frantically finished up as much work as he could and joined me by mid-afternoon. C-section was scheduled for 4 pm, but of course we ended up waiting much longer. I was surprisingly calm, even as we heard that the c-section before us was taking longer than usual due to some complications. At 8:00pm we were finally taken back to be prepped. It turned out that the doctor from my practice who was on call was not my actual doctor, but one who I like very much, so I was pleased. She had been checking on me all day and was nice and calm, so I guess that helped.

Going into the operating room was surreal. It was so bright. I climbed up on the table all by myself and they got me all hooked up. (I had had an IV since my arrival the night before...) The worse part was getting the spinal injection. Actually, it was the numbing shot before the spinal that was the worst, and then I didn't feel anything. J was not in the room with me yet, and I was squeezing the doctor between my legs to brace for the pain. It only lasted a second. Then I got all laid out and the sheet was raised. After a few more minutes, they let J come in. When he saw me, I think he freaked out a bit. At first I didn't recognize him because of the mask and hat (his smurf suit, as the nurse called it), but then I did, and he was so pale and almost crying when he got to me. Later he said it was just so freaky to see me all exposed like that, and it seemed all too real. Anyway, I was so happy to have him there right beside me, and I squeezed his hand the whole time.

The most important person to me at that moment however was the anesthesiologist. At first I was kind of nervous when I met him before going into the OR, because he looked like he was about 12. He was very nice though. I told him that I often get faint with medical procedures and that I was also afraid of puking. He told me to let him know at the faintest sign of nausea, which I did almost immediately at the beginning of the procedure. He put something in my IV and within seconds I felt better. Later on, I started to feel faint and told him again, and he kept me from passing out.

As I have heard before, I could not feel any pain or even discomfort, just moving around. It was totally weird. I was looking into J's eyes and squeezing his hand, waiting for some news. Then they said "the baby is out!". We just looked at each other because it was so quiet and we didn't really believe it. It seemed like an eternity as they took him over to the warming station to get him rubbed down. J did not look over the sheet to see him coming out - he did not want to see my open belly and I totally understand. So he waited with me. Then we heard the most beautiful sound in the world - our little baby crying. Of course we both started to cry at that moment. A minute or two later, they invited J over to see the baby. He went and took pictures - I told him to bring me the camera so I could see. So that was my first glimpse at my baby boy - through our digital camera. It was still surreal. Finally, the nurse brought him over to me, all bundled up, and I got to see his beautiful face. Of course I cried again - I could not believe this was finally my baby, in the flesh. It was pure joy.

I'm going to have to leave you there for now - we need to go out now. But I will finish the update later...

Big update, small post

Thanks so much for the well wishes for tomorrow. It turns out that tomorrow will be the day....that we bring Mr. Bean home! He actually arrived on Tuesday night and we are doing great. I will give more of an update when I can - right now I'm super tired and need to go to sleep. I cannot believe that I have my beautiful baby boy right here beside me as I type. It has been a totally surreal week. More to come...

One more week???????

Ok, so the little guy is not actually breech, but more transverse, with his head up under my ribs (as I suspected) but the rest of him sideways. He is also face up, which meant that they didn't have a good place to grip him to do the version. More importantly, he has the cord around his neck, which is probably why he is staying up there - he knows better than to move down. And my fluid is a little on the low side. For all of these reasons, the doctor did not think it was safe to do the version. So, we are scheduled for a c-section next Friday morning, one week early, so that I hopefully won't go into labor before then. This is somewhat disappointing to me, but ultimately of course I just want the guy to come out safe and sound. And at lunch, J. reminded me of how grateful we should be to even be in this position, and of course he is right.

And now I know that I only have one week to get all the last minute details, both baby-related and work-related, taken care of! I can't believe we are going to meet our baby in just one week!

Upside down....

...or should I say, right side up. The little guy is breech. The doctor is giving me until Friday to see if he'll turn on his own, but then I'm scheduled for an external version. And then, if that doesn't work, they want to do a c-section the following Friday (at 39 weeks), assuming he doesn't turn on his own during that week. I'm pretty peeved, and nervous. I know this happens all the time, but still. I'm going to go to yoga tomorrow morning and hope that some good poses will help, and will also ask the teacher for a recommendation for an acupuncturist who specializes in turning breech babies. I've been doing cat/cow pose at home, as well as "butt in the air" pose, whatever that is called. And pelvic tilts. And playing music down low with headphones. Will go do a cold pack up by his head and a warm compress down below in just a minute, when I get into bed. Any other thoughts?

I'm certainly not complaining too much, because this pregnancy has been pretty blessedly easy-peasy up to this point. But I really don't want to have a c-section, although several people have told me that it is just not that bad. And I know there is still time for him to turn. If he doesn't turn with the version, I think I might ask the doctor whether I can wait a little longer before doing the c-section, just in case he decides to turn on his own. I think they are just worried that if he hasn't turned by this week, he will be too big to do so.

Any thoughts?

Another sleepless night update

Here I am awake in the middle of the night again, same old, same old. But I do seem to have such a hard time writing entries that this seems like as good a time as any.

Things are still really busy, but I'm less stressed than I was last time I wrote. First of all, we ended up finding another place to rent in the summer at Ca.pe C.od. Actually, it is the cottage right next door to the one we wanted originally, and it turns out that we really lucked out. I did not realize that the one we wanted at first actually has another house right in front of it, blocking a direct view of the ocean, whereas ours is the last house in the row of cottages and does not have a blocked view. So it seems that this situation turned out for the best. It is still a long way off, but I'm so excited about our first little vacation as a family!

On the hiring of two people to teach for me in the fall, we are making progress. A dismal job market in academia in general, and even more so in my field, is bringing out lots of people who are desperate to work. I feel really bad about that for them, and it really sucks that we can't pay them more money. But I do think we'll end up finding a couple of people who are willing to take the jobs. I hope we can take care of everything before I'm done for the semester, but if not my colleagues will finish up the process without me.

In terms of finishing the semester, I am now done with the actual teaching - have covered all the material that I needed to cover and am moving on to final presentations from the students. This is particularly good because it means that I can sit with my feet up for the next three class days, which will be my last. Yes, I just have to get through 3 more days over the next two weeks! I will most likely go out to campus at least one more day though, to wrap up loose ends and possibly meet with job applicants, but I am almost done.

Our due date is in three weeks! I am 37 weeks as of yesterday and therefore officially full term. I truly can't believe that we have made it this far - it seems so surreal. And it's even stranger to think that we really are going to have a baby in this apartment soon. This weekend we are working on final preparations - our glider arrived the other day and needs to be put together. And we got a narrow, tall bookshelf to put in a corner to provide some additional storage, so that also needs to get assembled. And then we will work on getting everything put away and the room all tidied up. I still haven't gotten any curtains or a rug - who knows when that will happen! We are going to make a list of all the final things we need to buy and will take care of that over the next week or so. But even if the little guy arrived tomorrow, we would be fine - just need to run out to the 24 hour drug store around the corner for some diapers!

That's it for this late night update. I hope I can fall back asleep soon, but at least I can sleep as late as I want to in the morning...

Can't sleep...

I've been meaning to write another post for a while now, but it has been crazy. Right now I'm up in the middle of the night (morning really), with the worst.reflux.ever. I stopped taking Zan.tac because I was worried it was making me dizzy and fuzzy-headed, but this is a nightmare. Although I had been popping Tum.s all night, that just didn't help. So I got up to take some Zan.tac and am remaining sitting up until it kicks in.

So, we have been trying to find a beach place out on Cap.e Co.d for two weeks at the end of the summer. We are getting a late start on it, so of course the choice is limited for anything on the water. This is the first time we have ever done this, but are hoping to start a little family tradition and of course we'll want a little vacation by then. After much, much searching and stressing (I literally spent 12 hours combing listings and contacting people last Monday), I finally had a place that we wanted and was in contact with the owner, telling her we wanted the place. I was getting stressed because she didn't get back to me by email over the weekend, but J was telling me to relax, that we couldn't expect everyone to reply to email over the weekend (again, this was a private owner...) and that it would surely be fine. So of course now I got up at 3:30 and checked my email, only to find out that sure enough, the place had been rented. She also lists it with an agency, and they had booked the first week we wanted. That sucks. So now I'm back to the beginning, sort of. I'm revisiting the other contenders we had, and hopefully some of them are still in the running. But that was the last place up in the area we thought we really wanted to be, whereas we aren't as sure of the location of these other places. I just want to be on the beach though, so hopefully we'll at least get that. Talk about stress.

More stress: As you may recall, I am a college professor. I am taking the entire fall semester off and had lined up our current adjunct to teach my classes for me, plus needed to hire someone else to teach a few more courses in my discipline (I am the only full-time person who teaches it). It was going to be hard enough to find someone for those 2 extra classes, considering we pay adjuncts complete cr@p, but now I find out that the person who was going to take my classes is not coming back in the fall after all. (She has been adjuncting for us for a year, and found something that is more convenient and pays better - I can't say I blame her...) So now I have the added stress of finding not one but two people to cover my area in the fall. Ugh. Fortunately my colleagues are helping me out, but it is not going to be a fun process, especially if I want to be involved in the final selection process. Because I'm only going to be on campus for 2 1/2 more weeks! Yikes.

In other news, we went to our 2-day intensive childbirth class this weekend. We weren't able to go to the weekly ones in the evenings, so opted for this weekend-intensive instead, and it was indeed....intense. But good. We learned a lot and got to know a lot about how our hospital works. Plus we got a tour and filled out our pre-admission forms. Of everyone in the class, our due date is the earliest, and that really got me thinking about how we don't have much time left. I really could go anytime now!

Speaking of that, I am just over 36 weeks now. I owe you some pictures and J finally sent me a couple, though he still needs to give me some of the later ones with my sweet kitty before we lost him. But here's one from yesterday.


I'm definitely getting big, but people keep telling me how small I look for 36 weeks. I am measuring exactly on target, and as of last week's OB visit had gained exactly 20 pounds since the beginning of the pregnancy. Of course, I was already carrying an extra 10 pounds before starting IVFs three years ago, and the treatments put on another 10 pounds, so I had plenty of extra padding to start with. I'm looking forward to lots of walks with Mr. Bean in the park this summer. And hopefully some along the beach as well!

Ok, I'm hoping that the fire within me has subsided enough for me to go back to bed now. I've been up for 2 hours and that is not going to be fun tomorrow. Or should I say, today.

Some kitty pictures...

I'm still waiting for the latest belly shots that J took just last week, including some with dear kitty I think, but here is one from last month. So this was on Feb. 21 I think, at just 30weeks. (Today I'm 34 and 3 days.) You can't see too well anyway because I was lying down, but this gives a good idea of how my sweet black cat spent much of his last weeks. The other black and white cat would try to squeeze her way in when she could. Obviously both of them had to find a space other than my lap.














And this is a picture of sweet cat last year, even before his hypoglycemic episode in April. Notice his two cute little white whiskers - I loved those!















Finally, to be fair, I should post a picture with all three. The other two are brother and sister from the same litter and they will be 12 next month. But the black cat was always pretty indifferent about them, and was much more bonded with me. I miss him so much - I can't believe how much it hurts. But the other two sweeties are sitting here next to me as I type this, and I know that I am lucky to still have them to keep me company.

Sad day

This is going to be very brief because I just don't have it in me to write much, but wanted to post that we lost our dear sweet kitty this morning. He had been getting sicker and was back in the hospital this week. When I visited him yesterday, I knew that today we would have to put him down, but was surprised when the vet called so early in the morning to say that we should come in as soon as possible. We hurried over. I got to hold him in my arms the whole time and I hope he knew that I was there for him. This was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do, and that includes all the sadness I've had in the past few years of infertility, especially because he had been there to comfort me through all that pain.

I don't have any pictures to post at the moment since I lost my hard drive info and haven't put stuff back on this computer, but I will post some belly shots from last week with kitty in them as soon as J can get them downloaded.

As hard as this is for me, I am also feeling a guilty sense of relief, as the stress of his illness and all the care I've had to give him was really beginning to wear me down. Hopefully now I can find some sense of peace and move on to the next stage of my life as we prepare for our joyous event next month.

Rest in peace dear sweet kitty.

I am a terrible, very bad blogger!

I cannot believe it has been a month since I posted last. I really suck. But it has been an eventful month. Nothing bad as far as Mr. Bean is concerned, but I have had a sick kitty who has been keeping me on my toes. I'm going to cheat by copying the story from my update post on IVFC, since it is a long story.

My oldest cat is 17 1/2 years old and has been diabetic for 7 years, though it was pretty well managed until the scary hypoglycemic incident almost a year ago. About a month ago he had stopped eating - I noticed because he started to have another slight hypoglycemic incident, but I caught it in time and took him to vet, so not a big crisis. But she recommended that I start checking his blood glucose at home, which I did (got a regular human meter and test strips, etc). Turns out he just wasn't eating regularly so I stopped giving him insulin and eventually took him back to vet where they did an abdominal ultrasound and admitted him for IV fluids. Seems he had/has pancreatitis, most likely related to the diabetes. So we changed his dry food to a high fiber diet (Hills WD) and have been monitoring him closely. He was in the hospital for two days, where he started eating again and seemed better. But once he came home he still wasn't eating well ( I was even resorting to giving him baby food, and even dropper feeding him - he has lost so much weight!) so the doctor suggested that maybe he was dehydrated (in the hospital had been on fluids the whole time, which seemed to help), so now we are giving him subcutaneous fluids once a day at home. I have to say, going through multiple IVFs has made me quite a trooper with needles and such, otherwise I don't think I could do all this poking with him. The first time I ever gave him a shot for diabetes 7 years ago, I almost fainted. And you guys may have heard my stories of bad blood draws and other such things - I was quite a wimp and have come a long way! Anyway, I can't believe I'm actually doing this, but it does seem to be helping.

Since I'm home so much, I'm able to follow him around and make sure he's eating. I've been trying to get him to eat some wet food as well as dry, and it is challenging since we have 2 other cats who I have to keep out of his wet food. They have been getting so fat lately since we've been bribing the old guy with any kind of wet food treats, so finally we had to cut the others off, for their own good. They are now on restricted calorie diets. So, it has been very challenging lately and I've been thinking about whether this is the end for our old guy, which makes me very sad. I have never lost a cat before, and have had him since the year after I graduated college. He is doing better though - we added an appetite stimulant that seems to be helping, and he is eating little bits throughout the day. And I have also noticed that he just has problems eating dry food due to bad teeth, even though he does like it and tries to eat it, rather ineffectively. So my latest fix is to crush up the dry food and add a little warm water, which basically makes like a cereal mush. He happily eats it, and the other cats aren't interested in eating it since it is the same dry they have in their bowls, so I can leave it out for him to eat whenever he wants. With the wet food, I have to monitor him constantly to see if he is eating it and to keep the others away.

Oh, and here's another crazy thing I've done lately with regards to the cat - since we were planning to buy a video monitor for the baby, we went ahead and got one and I set the camera up to look at the cat's favorite chair, where I put his food and he spends the night. After we go to bed, I can keep an eye on him to see if he is eating. Two nights in a row now I've woken up around 5 to see him eating, which makes me feel much better.

Second crisis of the past few weeks is that my hard drive crashed, I lost all my data (including photos from past 4 years), and of course I'm an idiot who didn't back up her hard drive. J had given me an external drive for Christmas LAST year (not this past Christmas) and I just hadn't gotten around to doing it. Since I have a Mac, I guess I thought I was invincible, but these things die too. So while I could still try to send the drive off to some "clean lab" to have it dissected in an attempt to get data off of it, that would cost me $1300 and I've decided to just deal. Many of my pictures J also has on his computer, and my dad just sent me an external hard drive with all our family pictures on it. I also took it to my office where I had left my old laptop and was able to copy a bunch of old photos and documents off of that, so that worked out kind of ok. But the crash came on the heels of my cat's hospitalization, so that was a bad week. And it kept me off my computer for a while, another reason for not posting.

In terms of the pregnancy (oh yes, there's that too!), things are going pretty well. I am now 32 weeks, which just seems crazy to me. I had my 32 week appointment yesterday and everything looks good. I had had some intense lower back pains a few weeks ago and told her about them - she said they could have actually been contractions, but it doesn't sound like I'm about to go into labor. What really freaked me out was that she said that if it did seem like I was going into labor, for the next 2 weeks they would do something to stop it, but after that they would let me go. Wow. I can't believe we are getting that close.

We have done a lot of shopping and have been setting up the nursery. We got the crib last week and J put it together this weekend. I still need to get a mattress for it. I'm not sure why I didn't realize it wouldn't have a mattress with it. And we ordered our glider a few weeks ago and hopefully it will be here by mid-April. I'm realizing that the room is even smaller than I thought and we are going to have to be resourceful about storage space. We may have to have some custom shelves built for the remaining small nooks and crannies that we have. All we have left to get is a rug and window coverings (probably shades and curtains...)

Phew! I'm sorry for the long post. I will really try to get back to shorter, more frequent posts. I want to post new belly pics too, which I was waiting to do but finally realized I just needed to update. J got a nice new camera to photograph the baby and has been taking some good belly shots, so I'll get those up soon.

28 weeks

I've been meaning to work on this post since last Friday, when I officially entered the 3rd trimester. I had an appointment with my ob and measured right on schedule for 28 weeks. The heartbeat was nice and strong, though he kept trying to get away from the wand. I also got my Rhogam shot, which I needed because even though J. and I are both Rh negative, our donor is Rh positive, so the baby could be too.

He has been super active lately - some of the pokes are bordering on painful. And the night before last after I woke up at 4 to go pee, he wouldn't let me fall back asleep, with all his antics. But I'm not complaining at all; it's a thrill every time I feel it.

So I thought maybe it's time to post some belly pics. I have refrained thus far, but am finally giving in. These were taken over the weekend. It's funny because I still feel like I look bigger when I look at myself in the mirror, but these photos don't really reflect what I see. But I guess I look about right. It is still so weird to think of myself as pregnant. But here I am.

Snow Days and Birthdays...

I am really slacking off with this blog, and I can't even say that I have a good excuse. This past week I only went to work on Tuesday. Thanks to my two day a week teaching schedule, and a snow day on Thursday, I will have had almost a whole week off by the time I go back on Tuesday. I can't believe we got so much more snow this week - we are getting way more than our fair share this year, it seems. I was really hoping that a snow day wouldn't come on one of my teaching days, since I have so much material smushed into a shorter time frame, just in case Mr. Bean comes early. But then I was also kind of relieved when classes were canceled for Thursday. And fortunately it wasn't a super-hard day in either of my classes (I teach 2 sections of the same class in the morning, and then a different class in the afternoon, so it is really just 2 preparations - I've got it pretty easy this semester!). So I know we will get caught up pretty easily on Tuesday. I just hope we don't get another snow day!

So I was at home pretty much most of the week. It was so cold on Monday and snowy on Wednesday, so I didn't go out to yoga until Friday. I'm glad I finally went though - it is a really good class. I plan to go again tomorrow morning.

But mostly I've been dealing with the small construction project in what will be Mr. Bean's room. I think I mentioned it before, but we are having a small wall built in there which will effectively create a "walk-though" closet before you enter the room proper. It will give us lots of shelving in the entry-way closet for household stuff, but more importantly it allows us to keep the cat boxes in this closet (or really, one existing closet on the left and a new shelving area on the right - we have one cat box at the bottom of each space, since we have 3 cats and need 2 boxes...). With the new interior door into the bedroom, we can leave the exterior door open for the cats to come and go, and close the interior door for quiet and privacy in Mr. Bean's room. I know it sounds very confusing, but it actually is quite clever and I'm very proud of myself for thinking it up. And then, on the inside of the room we are going to put up some shelving and hanging bars, as a sort of open closet space for the little guy's clothes and other stuff. Because we can't really fit a wardrobe in the room. The room is only a little more than 9 feet by a little more than 7 feet, so pretty darn small. But believe it or not, a better space than the other room that J. uses for his "man cave" - that room is about the same length, but even narrower. Such is real estate in NYC. We consider ourselves lucky to have this much space even. Anyway, the new wall is up, but due to the snow storm, they weren't able to come out to paint and put up all the shelving on Thursday or Friday, so now the project stretches out into this coming week, and all the contents of the room (at this point, mostly our extra household junk that needs to be contained in the new closet, plus a desk and chair that need to go on Craig.slist, as well as the dresser we will use for Mr. Bean which is already stuffed with all his loot...) are in the middle of our living room. Nice. I can't wait to get it all organized, so we can start decorating and furnishing the room. It is very fun.

In other news, as the title of this post suggests, it was my birthday this weekend. We didn't do a lot to celebrate since we had gone out last weekend. But I did get some nice presents and a yummy cupcake, plus a scrumptious box of chocolates. Overall it was a much better birthday than last year, when I turned the big 4-0 and was very depressed about being childless and not pregnant. Last year my sister had wanted to fly out and help J. throw a big party for my birthday, but fortunately she ran it by me first and I nixed that idea. I told her I would love for her to fly out for a visit, but I had no interest in a party at all. It was a very subdued birthday. This year I feel much better about everything and very excited and hopeful for everything that the year has to bring.