Well, I know I dropped off the face of the earth a bit since that last depressing post. I just couldn't manage to write anything. I actually have so much that I want to write about that I can't even decide. And at the same time, I don't feel like writing any of it. I'm really struggling with how much to share about the problems I'm having with J. Even though he said that he wouldn't look for my blog (and I don't actually think it is Google-able) and that this was a thing for me, I still feel bad writing anything negative about him. Let's just say that we are not entirely on the same page about what to do next, and we are also not on the same page about the future of our relationship. We are very touch and go right now, and it's pretty much the infertility that is pushing us over the edge. It is just so tragic that IF can mess things up in so many ways.
So I have started taking birth control pills again in preparation for a new IVF cycle at the end of May/beginning of June. But this does not mean that we have reached a decision about the cycle. I just had to start them on Saturday in order to be in contention for this cycle, but it doesn't mean that I have to go through with the whole thing. I of course want to cycle again, and am hoping to convince J. that it is worth one more try with my own eggs. I'm pretty sure this would be the last try with my own eggs, and then if he is up for it, we would move on to donor eggs. But I don't know if he will be up for it. We'll just have to take it one step at a time.
In the meantime, I'm just trying to get through the end of the semester with my students and all the grading and what-not. It's always a busy and stressful time of the semester, and this year in particular I just don't have the patience. I absolutely cannot wait for the summer to be here. One of my main goals, in addition to cycling, is to lose this extra weight I've put on while cycling for the past 2 years (which I really couldn't afford to gain in the first place), and to really feel like I'm more in shape. I pretty much hate to exercise, but I know I will feel better if I do. I don't know how to go about becoming a person who exercises, but I hope to figure it out.
So I may not be able to post all that much during these busy last weeks of the semester, but I look forward to focusing on this blog as I make my way through the summer.
I know what you mean about it being a busy time of year with the wrap up of school (only 5 more weeks for me!). Take the time you need to get yourself on track and when you are ready to write, I'm here to read.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry things are so tough. I'm sorry you felt pressured to go ahead and move right into another cycle when it sounds like a break or time or something might be nice?
ReplyDeleteAs far as exercise, personally I love it and find it to be EXTREMELY valuable for stress management. Maybe you can find an activity that you actually enjoy and just ease into things slowly. There's nothing like a good sweat!
Hugs.
Exercise is such a stress reliever for me - and you like yoga, right? Maybe try more rigorous classes - vinyasa or ashtanga? The key is to find something you like to do, so you'll want to do it.
ReplyDeleteGood luck with rest of the semester!
hi cassie - i know how you feel. we're doing the same thing...starting the bcp's tomorrow...i think - yesterday was sort of day 1, so i should have started them today, but tomorrow should be ok, too.
ReplyDeletei just wanted to pop in and say hi...and let you know i'm checking up on you! ha-ha. i figure we may be cycling together soon.
good luck as you get through the remaining weeks of work!
The stress IF puts on us indivdually and as a couple is remarkable. I wish you luck in finding your way of out of this MUCK. Thanks for putting my blog on your blog roll ( :) ) and I'll be sure to check in with you, too!
ReplyDeleteclub KO kickboxing - great way to get fit. 1 hr, someone yells stuff at you, you get to punch things, you tune out of life for a bit (guaranteed!) and you burn 1,000 calories.
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