Having a very bad day

Can't even write about it really - am just at an all-time emotional low. Problems with J. are just getting worse and worse and I am so very sad.

So I thought maybe I'd go to a yoga class this evening and checked the schedule online. They changed the Friday evening class and guess what it is now? You guessed it - prenatal. Guess I will just curl up in front of the t.v. instead.

I hope to write a better post soon, but this is all I have in me today.

Trying not to lose my sh*t

So, for the sake of anonymity, I am going to try not to share too many personal details about myself (we'll see how long that lasts!) but I will tell you that I am a college professor. I teach a foreign language, which is really fun and cool, and I usually love my job. My students are ok - I don't teach at an Ivy league school or anything, but they are usually pretty good. But I have got a group right now in one class that is just driving me batty. This is the second semester in a row that most of them have been with me, and they love me. But the problem is, they have lost all interest in learning. And they don't seem to have any grasp on what it means to be a college student. They don't take any responsibility for their own learning. Recently, a few of them have just been sitting there in class with their eyes glazed over, staring straight ahead. And I'm not a boring teacher. But they have just checked out. Before today's class I told them that we were just going to review, and that I wouldn't be teaching anything in particular, but would answer any questions about anything we have done all semester or would explain anything they asked me to, because we have our final exam during next class. So the prime offender, who just got back a test today on which she received a whopping 37%, sits there writing a note to her friend. And then says, "Is this all we are going to do today, because if I woulda' known, I wouldn't have come to class." WTF. Like I need to deal with this sh*it this week, of all weeks. I almost wanted to cry. They think they have these difficult lives with all their studying that they have to fit in with their partying and rushing for fraternities and sororities (something I have always abhorred, by the way - apologies to any of you reading who did that). They think the whole world revolves around them and their little lives, with absolutely no concept of what other people in the world have to go through. OK, rant over. For now. I'm just so glad that I only have one more class with this class, and then their final presentations. I guess this is another good reason for keeping this blog anonymous - so I can rant about my students and not get fired.

Thanks for the warm welcome

It's so nice to see so many friends here already; I'm so lucky to have you. And thanks also for the compliments on the blog and my writing. I'm starting to get excited about this blogging thing, and I spent a little bit of my day thinking about what I should write next. But mostly I thought about who I would tell about this blog and what the purpose of it would be. As soon as I posted yesterday, my husband came home and I proudly told him what I had done. He had offered to set up a blog for me in the past, but I wasn't ready. And I wanted to do it all by myself. But I also told him that I hadn't decided yet if I wanted him to read it, so I wasn't going to tell him what it was. I made him promise that he wouldn't go looking for it, and if he did happen to discover what it was, that he would tell me. He agreed, but also said that he wanted it to be something for me and that he didn't really feel a need to read it, especially if I was going to gripe about him. As long as I keep it anonymous of course. Which it is. Some of you already know that my name is not really Cassie. It's just a name I picked based on my initials. But I like it because it is very anonymous, unlike my actual name which is truly unique.

So anyway, I am rambling already. I don't know if I want many IRL friends to know about this blog. I want to feel free to rant and rave to my heart's content without worrying about offending anyone. But I did just invite a dear childhood friend to read it, since he has been so supportive of me and is also struggling to have a child through adoption with his partner. So I hope he will stop by, and even comment from time to time.

Like I said yesterday, I need this blog to be therapeutic, and I think it is starting to help already. But I need a lot of therapy I guess, because I went through most of my day today feeling numb. I am still in shock that we failed again. I don't know how much more of this failure I can take. But then again, I didn't think I would be able to take giving myself shots and now I'm a complete pro at it. I, who am so squeamish that I literally almost fainted the first time I had to give my diabetic cat a shot 6 years ago. I, who almost fainted when I got my ears pierced and when I got fitted for contact lenses at age 16. I get very vasovagal and have struggled to overcome that. IVF has definitely helped. I am much stronger than I ever knew. My therapist said the other day that I am intrepid. I hope that's what it is, and not just stupidity, or ignorance, or denial.

I said last time that I wasn't ready to write about things with my husband, whom I will call J. for the purposes of this blog. And I still am not quite sure that I am. Let's just say that it is very difficult, and I feel like I am such a disappointment to him. Before you jump in and say, "Oh Cassie, I'm sure he doesn't feel that way!", let me just stop you there and say, "Yes he does, he has told me so." He knows that it is not right for him to feel that way, but he is very honest with his feelings. And he is having serious doubts about the whole "for better or for worse" thing. Of course, this breaks my heart. And makes me angry. I feel totally helpless. I just want to be able to give him the one thing he wants more than anything - a child. So that's where we are. We haven't talked about our next step yet, though he had previously agreed that we could try one more cycle with my own eggs this summer. I spoke with my Dr. Famous yesterday and he gave me the go-ahead to cycle again as soon as I want to. So we'll see. Wait and see. That's the story of my life for the past two years.

Here I am

After reading other people's IF blogs for over a year now, and becoming an obsessive poster on a certain IVF bulletin board, I have finally decided to take the plunge and start my own blog. Why now? Because I just failed my 5th IVF cycle in two years and need some help making sense of it all. That's 3 local cycles, and two at what is arguably the best clinic in the country, CCRM. Some of you reading this unfortunately know what it feels like to fail at the best clinic in the country, while many more have been so lucky as to find success there. And others still are checking in to see what to expect as you begin your own IVF journey. I'm not sure how much advice I'll have to offer, and I don't plan this blog to be an elementary introduction to IVF or CCRM. This is more likely to be the sometimes-bitter ramblings of a veteran, as the embryologist assisting with my last transfer called me. So I apologize if I am not as helpful as I could be, but I am writing this blog for me, in the hope that I will find some solace here, and maybe give some insight into the life of a regular 40 year old woman battling her ancient ovum.

Why did I choose this title for my blog? Well, it is in part inspired by the book of a certain famous RE, who just happens to be my doctor. But the truth is, I had already thought of that catchy title, "If at first you don't con.ceive", myself and was quite bemused when I discovered that super-famous RE had entitled his recent book the same thing. So I figured I would pick up where his title leaves off, since that is what I am doing. Interestingly, I just googled the title of my own blog, to see what other things are out there on the internets with the same name. I found an article called "Try, try again: What to expect from your second attempt at In Vitro Fertilization". HA!! I guess I should really call my blog "...try, try, try, try, try, try again", but that would just be ridiculous.

So anyway, here I am. Those of you who know me from the IVF world know that I just got word yesterday of my 5th BFN. (Well, technically it was only my 4th BFN because my third cycle didn't make it to transfer, but whatever...) So I am a little raw at this point, to say the least. My husband and I are trying to figure out our next steps, but I am hoping to try one more time with my own eggs, before possibly moving on to donor eggs. But right now, we have not been able to talk about it. And that is one of the things that pains me most - the impact this is having on our relationship. But I can't talk about that yet. That's it for today, and my inaugural post. Please do post a comment and let me know that you are following along. I'd love to hear from you.