Busy, busy, busy

Thank goodness that's what I'll be for a while. I am back to school on Monday and the next few days are full of prep, so I probably won't be posting much. And I'm going out of town this weekend for my grandmother's memorial service. So if you don't hear from me until next week, I'm just getting my life back! (And trying not to think about anything else...)

Some weird things

J and I are generally not all that superstitious or anything, but of course with all this IF stuff we will do whatever it takes. We have wished on many eye lashes (does anyone else do that?) and if I have seen any pennies (heads up of course), I picked them up.

So I know I told you all how I got the call about my grandmother dying while I was sitting at CCRM on retrieval day. So that means that she died the same day as our embryos were fertilized (aka: conception). Right after that, we got in the car and went to do a few errands. We went to Bar.nes and No.ble to get me some books for bed rest. As we were walking into the store, we found a penny. It was totally battered and beat up - the shabbiest penny I have ever seen. Even slightly smushed. I gave it to J and he hung onto it. I had kind of forgotten about it and then last Friday, after we got the beta call, J called out to me from his office/man cave. "Did you touch the penny I had in my dish in here?" No, I promise I didn't touch it. I hadn't even seen it. It was totally gone. So his theory is that the penny has done its job and disappeared into the ether, becoming our good news.

Another weird thing. On Friday morning (beta day) I was making myself scrambled eggs. This is kind of gross, but bear with me. As I cracked my eggs, I noticed that one of them was fertilized and had a little something in it. I didn't want to look at it too closely, so I picked it out. But I have to admit that I ate that egg. Weird, right?

Ok, so here's the last one. This evening right after I got my second beta call, I was checking out my friends' blogs. I went to comment on R's blog and had to fill in the auto-captcha. I know there are some sites that have auto-captchas that vaguely resemble words, but the ones on blogger are always complete gibberish. So guess what I got tonight? "Mamma". That really freaked me out. I'm starting to think that the stars are aligning for us. Please let this last.

And the magic number is...

One-thousand, eight-hundred and thirty-four. Oh. My. God. That is a big ass number. Of course, we did the second beta three days after the first, but according to the HCG calculator on the new IV.FC, that is a doubling time of just over 24 hours. Is that good? What does that mean?

Ok, so just to rant a little more about my nurse. I was going crazy over here waiting for this news. Way worse than Friday because at least I had POASed that morning and knew I had a nice strong line. So then about 30 minutes ago I get an email from her saying "here's your pregnancy info", with all the orders for my ultrasound and hormone testing. I'm like, um, does this mean you have good news for me? Because I'm sitting here going crazy waiting for the phone to ring. Ten minutes later she finally calls me and gives me the good news. I wonder how long those results had been sitting there? Doesn't she know I'm dying here???

So I haven't even gotten a chance to breathe a sigh of relief and now I'm already worrying about the next step...the ultrasound. It will be sometime between the 7th and the 10th, depending on where I decide to do it. Could this really be happening?

Even more waiting

I am waiting again. Waiting for the phone call for our second beta. How much time have I spent waiting in the past 3 years? The various two-week waits, the waiting for a cyst to go away, waiting for a cycle to start, waiting to trigger, waiting for testing results, waiting to be cleared for a donor, waiting for the donor to trigger, waiting in my bed for two days, and waiting to finally get those first beta results. And now waiting again. Even after this, if all goes well, there will be more waiting - for ultrasound after ultrasound, and other types of testing to make sure everything is ok. It's just one long waiting game. I am not very good at waiting, especially because it seems I can't do the things I should be doing with my life while I am waiting. I am going to be so far behind before this school year even starts because I can't use my waiting time wisely. I just wait.

The progression

I just thought I would post this photo I took the other day of all three of my HPTs, including the one on beta day.

The last line corresponds to my beta of 288 on nine days past Day 5 transfer. I spent a lot of time looking for images of HPT progressions over several days and found them so hopeful when I found some good ones. It was also helpful to see when people would post their beta values that corresponded to the images. Although I know there is so much variation in tests that it is impossible to tell.

So anyway, we are just waiting in disbelief right now. Our second beta is tomorrow (it technically should have been today but the lab is not open and I don't want to go hunting for some remote lab or use a hospital lab, so the nurse said tomorrow is fine) and they should see the beta has more than doubled, I guess. That will be another hurdle to get over, in a long line of hurdles. Neither J nor I have uttered the P word yet.

Beta results are in

288. Whoa, that's a nice strong beta. I'm still trying to process it all. I think my hands are shaking a little bit. J got teary, but is still playing it cool, as am I. We have never made it this far before, but know that we still have a long way to go. Baby steps...

Taking a day off...

...from testing that is. J and I both slept better last night without worrying about the testing. I asked him what had kept him up so much the night before, and he said he was just worried knowing that I would be getting up early to test and anxious to know the results. He said he almost woke me up at 4:30 just to get me to go pee and get it over with. He is so cute. But now that I know that there really won't be much of a darker line from one day to the next, I am fine not testing today. I will probably do it tomorrow before the beta.

I found a lab to do my beta - it is just straight across Central Park from where I am, so I will have a nice little walk tomorrow. I actually walked in the park today - around the reservoir. I was going very slow though, because I'm not supposed to really exercise. I was just strolling and listening to my iPod and letting all the runners and speed-walkers pass me. On my way home I came down the street one north of ours and spied something interesting in the bulk trash pick-up. I'm quite the trash-to-treasure person, and I can't help looking when there is a bunch of stuff on the street. What I saw was a lovely wooden glider, albeit very dirty and covered in cobwebs. It wasn't grimy though - mostly just dusty and in very good shape. It had snaps on it, so I assume there was a cushion at some point. It was totally cute and not really big (we don't have too much room here). Of course I totally wanted to drag it home, but I quickly talked myself out of it. That would not have been good (one block and a flight of stairs....). But I did write J to tell him about it. He hasn't answered yet, but if I can convince him to go check it out on his way home, that would be cool. Of course, I hope that is not jinxing us...

Another day, another line

To answer Mr. InBetween's question, I did test again this morning - just the once. I was actually a little stressed out because it didn't really look much darker than yesterday's, and I was under the impression that I should see more of an increase. But after hearing from my super-support team over on IVFC, and doing a Go.ogle image search of positive HPT progressions, I feel much better. And I have to say, my line looks pretty darn good compared to many other lines out there. So I'm trying to relax. I will probably test again tomorrow morning, though may hold off until Friday, which is beta day.

I actually stressed J out with the testing I guess. He was really being cool as a cucumber yesterday, so I didn't think he was too stressed. But he knew I was going to test again this morning and I made the mistake of telling him (mistakenly, I now know) that the test had to be darker today. Apparently he lost a lot of sleep over this and was really stressed about it this morning. I got out of bed this morning to go test, and snuck (sneaked?) back into bed so as not to wake him, but when he got out of bed he went straight to check out the stick. He was more impressed with how much darker it was than I was. But he asked me to wait tomorrow morning until he has left the house, because it was stressing him out too much. He can't stand to have his dreams crushed once again he says. And he also says that just doesn't have any more in him and wouldn't be able to take the disappointment after this. I just hope that he won't have to be disappointed. We are really ready for some good news.

The obligatory photo

I always wondered why people have such a hard time getting a clear, up-close picture of their HPTs, but it is hard! I swear this line looks darker in real life that it does in the picture, but anyway, you get the idea.

This is so surreal. We started TTC in the spring of 2007. A year later started treatments - 2 IUIs, 3 IVFs locally. Then a year at CCRM - 3 more cycles. Still nothing. I have never seen this sight in all that time. I can't believe it.

Ok, I know that it is too early to get excited. I know all sorts of things could go wrong - believe me, I know. But I can't help getting a little optimistic now.

A line

A beautiful, definitely-there, baby-pink second line. A sight I've never, ever seen before. A line.

I am going to POAS...

...tomorrow morning. That will be 6dp5dt. I know it is still early, but by no means impossible. Some of you will advise me against it, and I appreciate that, but I'm sorry. I have no self control. I bought the tests on the way home today and at first told myself I would wait until Wednesday, but who am I kidding?

Just thought I'd warn you.

The wait

It is really killing me. This has got to be the worst "two week wait" ever. I almost feel like I'm having an anxiety attack. I have been feeling some strange aches and pains for the past two days, as well as cramps, but I really refuse to believe they are anything other than side effects from the progesterone. I have been fooled before.

I still haven't purchased any HPTs and will be busy tomorrow so that is good. I'm sure I won't be able to hold out past Wednesday to test, and may even cave by Tuesday, which would be 6dp5t. Ugh.

Home, sweet home

It felt weird to come home to this apartment where I had only been living for one week before leaving for Denver. But J and the kitties were here waiting for me, so this must be the place. My trip home was uneventful and quick - spent the whole flight listening to iPod and reading.

I was very happy to get good news about the arrival of Mr. and Mrs. InBetween's twins - a boy and a girl - just perfect! I'm so happy that they have finally reached their happy ending, after much turmoil.

I was awake early this morning with cramps. I really don't want to read anything into it. I know that cramps are a good sign at this point, but I've had them after other transfers and definitely was not pregnant. But I am starting to obsess about when to POAS. Definitely not before 5dp5dt (for the laymen out there, that's five days post Day 5 transfer). So that would be Monday. But I know that a safer bet would be to wait for Wednesday. Like I said, I have a lot of work to do to prep for school, and I really didn't get anything done in Denver. So if I were smart, I'd try to get some of that work done before testing, so if I am devastated by a BFN, I will have at least gotten something done before drowning myself in tears.

And so the waiting continues...

Happy tears

I just read the update from Mr. InBetween ("Oh Shit, He's Back") that today is the big day for him and the Mrs. I'm so excited and happy for them that tears are streaming down my face. I know them both IRL ever since I first met BigDog on IVFC, and we discovered that we both lived in Hoboken. So I've seen their struggles and know how much they've been through. I just spoke to Mrs. InBetween yesterday - she gave me a call to help me pass the time on bed rest. Help ME pass the time? I was getting antsy after 24 hours and she had been on bed rest for 10 WEEKS! That is so crazy. But she did a fantastic job of keeping those babies nice and snuggled in for the duration - all the way to 36 weeks, which is amazing. I can't wait to hear all about it, and hopefully to see those babies soon.

I am still in bed this morning, milking my bed rest as long as I can, although I am ready to get up. Just a little longer and then I'll head down for breakfast, pack up and head out to the airport. I'm really looking forward to getting home; to the new apartment, to the kitties, to my J. And to some day having our own happy tears.

A little disappointed

Just got the call from the lab about our frozen blasts. We have three. I was hoping for more. I don't mean to be greedy, but with all those Day 3s, I'm just surprised. Yesterday at transfer she told me there were still 13 others, and it just seems so weird that more didn't make it to blast. She said that a number of them made it to the early blast stage, but then just stopped. So we have a Day 5 4BB, a Day 6 4BB and a Day 6 4BA. Hmmmmm. It makes me start suspecting J's sperm again, but they did ICSI and IMSI, plus his sperm fragmentation test was ok. Oh well. I'm glad we got some good quality ones in me yesterday and we'll just take it from there.

Transfer Day

The deed is done. Not the typical baby-making deed of course, but you know what I mean. The transfer went very smoothly, with Dr. School.cra.ft at the helm. It was super quick. But before hand, I asked the nurse to take a picture of the embryos on the screen, so I could send it to J at work in NY. I was so glad I did that, because I was able to send it to him right after everyone left, so he felt a part of the process. I know he felt badly that he couldn't be with me, and I did feel a bit lonely without him. But the acupuncture was great, and super relaxing, as was the Val.ium.

So we transferred one 4aa and one 4ab. There is one more blast today, but the others are still at the morula stage, or maybe a little further behind, and they expect them to make blast by tomorrow for freezing. I was a little disappointed to hear there weren't more blasts today, but I guess that is normal.

Now I am resting in my room, flat on back with my little make-shift lap tray. Thank goodness for my computer, although I have to admit I'm a little too addicted to it. Oh well. You guys have been such a great source of support for me and I don't know what I would do without you.

Pre-transfer shopping

It's a must, right? I really don't have any business spending money right now, with the amount we just dropped on this cycle, but I couldn't resist a little back-to-school shopping. First of all, the shuttle here took me down for my chiropractic appointment, on his way to drop another lovely woman off at CCRM for her appointment, so I made a friend in the van. The driver was able to swing back by and pick me up, and drop me off at the mall. I was going to walk to the mall, but after my long walk yesterday, it was nice to get a ride. I did plenty of walking in the mall and then walked back.

So, what did I buy? I always have the dilemma of trying to break out of my comfort zone and get things that are a little more interesting. I was looking for gray pants for work, and actually ended up getting a really cute pair of gray corduroy jeans instead. They are really comfy. I also got a sparkly cardigan (I am the queen of cardigans - I must have at least 20) and an amazingly adorable silky dress that was a complete surprise. It is really brightly colored in a funky pattern that looks like Pucci but is much more affordable. It is a v-neck and a bit of an empire waist, but then nice and full below to cover up my cycling weight - I feel great in it. I'm not really sure where I'll wear it - it's not for work. But it will be great for a date night in Manhattan - you always have to have a great little dress available for a spontaneous night in the city.

But the one purchase that I am now a little doubtful about is a messenger bag I got for work. I was actually just looking for a laptop bag to take home with me now, as I want to make sure everything will fit in my suitcase (as was going to put the laptop in my suitcase and carry it on...) They had an adorable laptop bag in the same design, but I talked myself into the bigger messenger bag because it will be good for commuting by public transportation once I start teaching again and have to lug things to and fro. I really love the pattern on it, but now that I have brought it back (and cut the tags off - I lugged all my loot back in it), I am worried that it looks more like a diaper bag than a messenger bag. It is definitely not a diaper bag, but the pattern sort of makes it look like one. (Yes, I guess I could use it in my ideal future as a diaper bag, but right now I don't want to look like I thought a diaper bag was a messenger bag.) So, here is what it looks like (it's by Fossil, and the photo is from their site - that's not me!) - what do you think? And do you think it can be used in winter too? Now that I'm looking at the colors, it seems a little summery...



I'm not sure why I'm second-guessing myself so much, and there isn't anything I can do about it now...it will at least help me make the trip home. (Although, it will be awfully busy-looking with my new striped suitcase! The colors are somewhat compatible though...)

So now I am relaxing in my room after my shopping adventure. I am going to meet my new CCRM friend for dinner and I'll find out if she is online. I don't recognize her as any of my current online friends. It is so strange how infertility brings us together from all over the place, with the common goal that we share. It's like we are part of a special club. Unfortunately, not an exclusive club, or an enviable one, but a club nonetheless.

Renovations

I really should be in bed, because I've been up way too late out here. It is going to be brutal to get back on east coast time. But instead I'm messing around and renovating the blog decor. Perhaps to make up for the fact that I'm away from my new apartment and can't work on the decorating there. Anyway, what do you think? I don't want it to be too busy - I don't like a really big distracting background, but I think this one is small enough. I thought my original design was pretty plain and have been meaning to change it for a while now. Let me know your thoughts.

I went for a nice long walk today after I got our Day 3 report. It was a bit longer than I intended. I actually walked the whole loop out here in front of the Homewood - all the way around Inverness Drive East and West. It took me an hour. There were hills and it was pretty warm. But I felt good after doing it. And then I just sat around the hotel the rest of the day. Tomorrow I'll take the shuttle to my acupuncture appointment and then plan to walk to the mall for some shopping and lunch.

Wednesday I have to be at CCRM at 11:30 for a 1:15 transfer. (I'm doing the pre- and post-acupuncture session, just to make sure I'm covering all my bases.) So that's when you can send all those good sticky vibes.

This is a really boring post - I'm obviously too tired. I still owe you that more profound "how I'm feeling about all this stuff" post. Maybe tomorrow. Good night!

Sweet Sixteen

Just got the Day 3 report and am a bit overwhelmed. I can't believe that we are actually getting some good news for once. We still have 16 embryos, although it sounds like one is pretty far off track (not sure in which direction). Anyway, we have 15 that are in the 6 to 10 cell range, which is very good. And 12 of those are right at 8 cells, which is ideal. According to the embryologist, "the vast majority" are Grade 4, which is the highest they give them at this point. I teared up a bit when she said that everything looked really wonderful. I wasn't thinking straight enough to ask for any more details, but I think this will have to suffice for now. We will definitely be doing a Day 5 transfer and I'm just hoping we will still have plenty of blasts to choose from. Our initial hope was that we would have 6 blasts - 2 to transfer and 4 to save for later - so anything beyond that would just be amazing.

In other news, my massage for today was also canceled - seems the massage therapist is still sick. So I have no plans for the day and need to find something to do to amuse myself. I do have a lot of work to do to get ready for school, but it is so hard to concentrate on anything else.

They will give me a call later to give me the time to be at CCRM on Wednesday. I can't believe this is really happening...

Fertilization report

Here it is, short and sweet: 20 eggs retrieved, 18 were mature, 16 fertilized. Woo hoo! Now we wait until the Day 3 report on Monday, and hopefully can hold out for a Day 5 transfer on Wednesday.

That's it for now - we are moving to our next hotel today and I have to get packed.

Freaky Friday

Well, it was retrieval day today. But before heading out to the clinic, I was awakened at 8 am by my cell phone ringing. The caller id said CCRM, so I was nervous right away. I answered and the woman said she was calling from CCRM and that there was "a bit of an unfortunate situation...". I started to freak out. I was imagining all sorts of things that could have possibly gone wrong with our donor. I couldn't even think of what it might have been, but I figured that if something could go wrong, it would go wrong with us. But then she continued and said "...and the massage therapist will not be able to make it in today for your appointment." Phew. Before I could respond to that fact, I had to point out to her that she scared me because our donor was supposed to have retrieval this morning and I figured something had gone wrong. She apologized and I hope she'll think more carefully about the words she uses in the future. Not being able to get a massage is not an unfortunate situation (although, admittedly, there may have been some unfortunate situation that prevented the massage therapist from coming in - but it wasn't unfortunate for me). Slightly inconvenient maybe, but not unfortunate.

So we went in at 11 for my blood work and J's sperm prep. We brought the gift and letter that we had prepared for the donor. I sat around nervously waiting as J went upstairs. And I got a call on my cell from my mom, which I silenced. But I knew what it was, so I listened to the message. My grandmother died this morning. I wasn't surprised at all - she had been fading for a long, long time and in fact her death was long overdue. It was a great relief to everyone. But the timing was somewhat weird. A sort of circle of life type thing I guess. So that had me a little emotional. J came back downstairs and I waited to tell him when we were in the parking lot. I didn't want to cry in the waiting room. But really, it's not too sad because we had all said goodbye to her a long time ago - she didn't know who anyone was anymore.

Then I went to the chiropractor. I found one nearby yesterday and went for an adjustment because my back has been in bad shape again lately, especially after the move. This guy is great and I'm feeling a lot better already. Since my massage appointment was unfortunately canceled for today, I also got a massage from the therapist at the chiropractor's office. She was awesome -seriously hardcore deep pressure, which I really needed in numerous places. And when I told her why I was in Denver she was amazed because I was her third CCRM patient this week, and before that she didn't even realize that there was a world-class fertility clinic in her backyard. I was wondering how many people in this area realize what a mecca this is for us infertiles.

I am still going to keep the massage appointment that they made for me on Monday, and will go for one more adjustment on Tuesday. Hopefully that will hold my back in place for a while, especially because bed rest is going to be about the worst possible thing for it.

So it has been a weird day. I also just got an email from my back-up nurse telling me that they had activated the OHSS package for our donor, meaning that our credit card will be charged the extra $500 to treat her for ovarian hyperstimulation. Nice. I hope she doesn't have it too bad and isn't in terrible discomfort. And I wonder how that will affect her egg quality. No word on how many eggs they retrieved, but I would assume a good number. We should find out tomorrow morning with the fertilization report.

Tomorrow we move to the Homewood Suites, and go grocery shopping to get me all set up for my remaining stay without the car and on bedrest. J will leave me on Sunday morning and I will make the rest of this strange journey on my own, at least for now.

I was feeling really weird to be just sitting in the waiting room at CCRM, while my donor was presumably being prepped for retrieval and J was giving his "donation". I just sat there feeling very useless and a bit sad. But my turn will come in a few days, and then hopefully I won't feel useless for the next 9 months.

Last trip to Denver?

Well, here we are again, in Denver. I have to say that the novelty has certainly worn off, and arriving here once again was more of a drag than it has been in the past. We don't feel much like doing any particularly "Denver-like" activities but rather are just relaxing and going to the movies and bowling and going to the outlet mall. Not so exciting.

We got here on Monday and had all our initial appointments on Tuesday (ultrasound for lining check, consult with doctor, follow-up psych consult, consent forms signings and bloodwork for communicables). So that is all out of the way. My lining looks really good, at 8.3 with a triple stripe. They told me yesterday that it was likely our donor would trigger last night, but she did not. When I spoke with my nurse today, she didn't have the details as to why not (it certainly seemed that the follicles were the right size yesterday) but most likely it is that her E2 was high and they want to coast her for a day to avoid hyperstimulation. I hope this doesn't mean we are in danger of getting over-cooked eggs. Always something to worry about. I'll try to get more details out of her when she calls me back later. She should be calling later to confirm that the donor will trigger tonight and to give me instructions for my meds...

So this means that retrieval will probably be on Friday. Then, we will hopefully do a Day 5 transfer, so I'm stuck out here for quite a while. Day 5 would be on Wednesday, and then the 2 days of bedrest has me flying home on....Friday the 13th. Fun. J will be going home on Sunday, as I think I mentioned before, so I'll be on my own next week. We will go to the grocery store and get me all stocked up with stuff I need, so I will be all set for bedrest. But I will be staying at the Homewood Suites, which has dinner available on Monday through Thursday, so I can even have them bring me food to my room. And I won't have a car, even for the early part of the week before transfer, since J will be returning it when he leaves. But I shouldn't really need it. I have a lot of work that I need to do to prepare for the new semester. I haven't been doing anything to prepare for the fall all summer since we have been so busy with getting ready for this cycle and also moving. So being here with nothing else to do will be good for getting some work done.

I want to post more about how we are feeling about all of this, but don't really feel like it right now. We are working on the letter to give to our donor, so I'm going to help J with that now. I will try to post more soon, and I'm sure I'll have plenty of time for posting next week as well, after he has gone.

Oh, we went to see Inception again today. Still amazing the second time.

And I'm looking forward to meeting up with R from OneEggPlease next week - that will be fun!